He ruined my Christmas already!

[anonymous]

I'm in tears, I have been for hours now. My husband of 2 years is absolutly driving me nuts. He has 5 kids who I accepted when we got married. Well I work and yet I did ALL the shopping for the kids, their significant others and the grandchild. I did all the wrapping and I cleaned the house as best as I could before having to go into the hospital for PNEUMONIA! So I spent days in the hosp. extremely sick and got out in time to 'do' Christmas with the family. Well we did our celebration tonight at 5 pm. I bought a grill for my husband and many other gifts, I spent a fortune because I actually had some money and this is the 1st time I've gotten him a 'big' gift. (the grill was $700). So after all of the kids did their gifts and we ate, I had my husband come out to the garage to see his grill (since I couldn't hide it). And he joked "Oh, I wish I was getting a big screen tv", ok, my feelings were hurt but I put that aside.
Well then he wants me to open a gift from him....a robot vacuum. Yeah, it cleans the room by itself. Not impressed. So I tell him, in front of the kids "You can return that." To me that gift ranks up there with mud flaps. Um, thanks but no thanks. So what am I good for...cleaning the house. Point taken.
So after the kids leave I ask him to open the rest of his gifts and he tells me "No, I'm tired" that is fine, but I would like for him to just open what I got him, we dont' have to do the exchanging of gifts (I got him stuff to go along with the grill). Well he won't open a thing. I know I hurt his feelings about the robot sweeper but my feelings are hurt as well that the sweeper is the best thing he can think of even though we've been married for 2 years. So its not the gift but the complete lack of thought that he puts into things. So he told me to shove the grill up my A**. And I've cried ever since.
I have put so much work into this holiday and I had to finish the shopping and wrapping today, between IV's and feeling like crap. My feelings are hurt so bad that he thinks "I ruined Xmas" last year was just like this too, a huge fight on Xmas. I hate this. This should be a great holiday for us considering I just got out of the hosp. in time to be home. And now I feel like all my hard work is for nothing! As he tells me I ruin everything. And then he left and I have no idea where he is.
So here I am Xmas eve, sitting alone in my house...crying.
Do you think I'm over reacting? My heart is breaking!
I hope your Christmas is better than mine!!!!!
:brokenheart

 

[Purplelungz]

maybe he thought the vacuum thingy would help you out instead of saying you dont clean enough. i know my husband got a robotic vacuum one of those knock offs from walmart to try and help me out. but it was a peice of junk literally. would have been neat if it worked. even if it did just get the crumbs and stuff like that. maybe he is more embarrassed that you said something in front of the kids. i dunno just trying to get some other thoughts out there. but there is still no reason for him to act like that. i mean why cant he just say he is upset and you both deal with it. its not good to be angry at one another and stay that way for to long. need to talk things out, without yelling. again i dont know since im not you. just calm down a little bit. when he gets home just tell him how the vacuum made you feel. maybe he will understand. christmas is just a stressfull time and emotions are running high so that probably doesnt help any.

 

[anonymous]

he won't understand he never does and I have to go begging him for forgiveness even when things aren't my fault. I would have loved it if he would have gotten me a house cleaning service for a month or so. Now that would he me out. And why am I the one who has to clean this house? The stupid sweeper will do nothing but scare my dogs. He got me perfume, floor mats for my car, an ear thermometer (we have a regular one so I don't know why he thinks this one will help) and a space heater? Um, what needs heating; nothing of mine. I put time and effort into what I got him, I am proud of what I could provide for him this year, I put a TON of time and energy into this holiday and I'm telling you what, I want to skip Xmas next year. I want to celebrate with my sisters' kids and skip the BS in this family. We have spent thousands of dollars on these kids and all the work put into this and I sit here and cry my eyes out! All I can think about are my swollen eyes on Christmas day!
Thanks for your thoughts.
~Original Poster here

 

[JennifersHope]

Gosh I can't believe what I am reading....Christmas isn't about getting a gift... it is about the holiday and what that means.... Being with family, friends.. sharing love.. and relationships.. with God and others if you believe......

No, I am not so sure I would want that as a present.. but I agree with Amanda.. maybe he meant well.. He got you an ear thermometer.. and perfume.. They sound like nice gifts to me.. Maybe you should give him a list of what you want.. if you don't ask..don't expect him to know.....

I don't know you and if you are a regular poster on here or not.. I don't know anything about you...so I don't want to judge you.. When I was younger early 20s I had many horrible Christmas times that we boyfriend related.....and it was so sad... I don't want to see anyone sad...

One thing I know for sure.. is ppl are not mind readers.. I heard a saying once from my pastor that I think is very true.. "We judge ourselves on what are intentions are/were.... and we judge others on what their actions are...." Meaning.. you don't really know what he was thinking when he gave you the gift.... Why don't you ask him what made him think you would like that?? Like why he picked that for you??? What if he took your grill giving idea as a way of saying he has to do the cooking or something...

I just hope you guys work it out fast.. I hope he comes home soon....

Jennifer

 

[Allie]

I've been thinking about this all night. I'm sorry you were disappointed by your gift.

But I, too, am sitting alone tonight, after putting my daughter to bed. Not because my husband and I are fighting, but because my husband isn't here to fight with. Really, if you do love him, consider that. Some people can't afford to exchange gifts, some people are separated by distance or death, you have to put it in perspective like that. You are lucky you got a bad gift from your husband. I'd kill to get a horrible, thoughtless, gift from my husband. Because he would be here, and the holidays have nothing to do with presents at all.

So from my perspective, you are overreacting. Talk to him. Apologize. Yes, I said apologize. Marriage is all about compromise. And talk to each other. Maybe from here on in, you need to only buy gifts from a list created by the other. Or agree not to exchange gifts.

I hope you two work it out, because life is awfully short.

 

[Faust]

Wow sorry you are having such a horrible xmas eve. Of course we can't fully analyze your problem on the internet because it seems these problems lay on both partners sides, and it's been going on for a while. The quickest way to erode love and feelings for each other is lots of examples of things like this. I'm sure no matter what I say at this point, even with being as nice as possible, i'll get rocks thrown at me from the care bears. So if you want more opinion from my end (I have good experience with these things), just send me a private message and we can talk.

 

[anonymous]

hi sorry to hear you are having a bad time right now, but im sure lots of ppl will give you advise and stuff but i can tell you that i was married to a woman for four years just like your husband, and she drove me nuts and always but me down, you need to ask yourself do you Really love him ?? does he love you ? i left her and it was a dam hard thing to do and it took a long tlme to get over it but i did and have never looked back, i am sooooo much better off and at least i know what im going home too everyday, and in the end i met another girl and it just goes to show you that there is plenty of nice ppl out there, ifound my soulmate now and am so happy thank god, so it think if your not happy you got to leave good luck

 

[JazzysMom]

When I was with my first husband, I had a need to go all out with Christmas. I went over the top on everything like I was trying to prove a point. I put a lot of thought into all of them, but definitely had my own inadequacies that was my driving force. I now realize that I was trying to make up for the lack of "true" christmas spirit & love. My new husband & our daughter had a lavish christmas this year because we could. The last 5 years have been a financial struggle & we are finally getting to the point that we can splurge. Does it mean our Christmas is better just because we have the extra gifts......No. We learned that without my health & our family happiness that no gifts can make it a good Christmas. I also got gifts from my new husband that werent what "I" thought "romantic" or "thoughtful" because in my mind they represented work or something. I since learned after addressing it with him when my response was not enthusiastic, that his intention was to make things easier for me since I am the one that usualy does the cleaning etc. I also learned that contrary to my wishes he can not read my mind. We are soulmates not mind readers. I am so sorry that your Christmas started off rough & if you go thru this every year than you need to do some soul searching. I am not advising you to end your marriage or anything, but something has to give from both of you. Life is too short (I thought all CFers realize this) to be putting ourselves in situations as this or allowing it to continue. Do you have an easy solution? Maybe......or......Maybe not. I, personally, would love mud flaps and the robot cleaner because they would be from my husband & at least I got something & he acknowledged me. Some woman dont even get that. You need to look on the brighter side of things.........................................

 

[anonymous]

Perhaps I'm not getting the 'true meaning' of this post across. I'm saying that I'm so hurt b/c I put so much time and effort into this, the whole time while being sick. I have made tons of sacrifices, tons of work into this, b/c he WON'T. I didn't want any huge, expensive gift from him. I want him to love me and to realize and say "thank you" for what I have done to put all of this together. I did give him a list of what I wanted for Xmas, of 3 non-expensive things. I would rather have nothing more than a hug and a genuine 'thank you' of recognition of making all of this happen. I can understand that he was trying to make life easier by giving me the sweeper, but to me it is the same as me giving him soap and a sponge to go wash MY car. Because he makes it so clear that this is HIS house even though we are married. So he's giving me a gift to clean HIS house.
So I'm not complaining about the gift (ok a little) but its the fact that he doesn't even know me. That he gives me gifts, just for the sake of giving gifts. They are not thought out or thoughtful, or even the 3 little things on my list. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!! So here I am once again, sitting here crying, on Christmas, trying to get myself together to go to my sisters' for her kids'. Well my sister on the other hand, who has very little and hardly any money, are going to have a great Xmas, because her husband adores her! Nothing more.
I did apologize to my husband this morning for 'over reacting last night' and he just layed there, didn't say a word. So here it is Xmas and he's not talking to me. I swear!!!
I do appreciate the fact that some of you don't have your spouses there this time of year, but I'm thinking would I rather have no one than someone who treats me like crap and tells me I ruin every holiday???? The whole meaning of this holiday is never once recognized by him or his family, its all about who is getting what, etc. So perhaps, he's thinking he has to get me the kind of gifts he did for the sake of me having something to 'brag' about. Well I'm not that kind of person, and back to the original fact that by now, you'd think he'd know me well enough to KNOW I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
does he even know me at all?
~original poster

 

[kybert]

i get what you mean OP. although, i wouldnt have said anything about the present until xmas was over. then again, as moronic as my partner is, i dont think hed get me anything like that! in fact i dont know anyone whod ever give me a present like that so i guess i wouldnt really know what id do if i were to get something like that. its really something you just go out and buy, not give to someone as a gift. some guys will just never understand how to shop for presents so maybe you should go shopping for them yourself.

as for future xmas's, try not to overdo it. let or make other people help you otherwise you will be more disappointed if hiccups do happen.

 

[JazzysMom]

You know the song....."If you dont know me by now. You will never, never, never know me......ooooooooo!" Honey...you deserve what your sister has. Very little money, but pure happiness. I think you need to make some decisions if things cant be changed. In the meantime I wish you the best holiday that you can muster out of all of your turmoil & remember that you have us here if you need to vent more!

 

[anonymous]

Thanks Melissa!!
I appreciate that so much.

 

[anonymous]

The thing is, I just bought a new sweeper about 8 months ago. So there is no reason for him to get this gift. Our other sweeper works great.
And I'm not the type of person to want "gadgets" I like to have the 'real' sweeper that works. Thats all. I'm pretty simple. It just goes back to him buying stuff just to have 'stuff' under the tree for me. I'd love nothing more to just sit on the couch all day with his arm around me watching old Xmas movies on TV and doing nothing. And now, I feel like crap, total crap, that he's not talking to me. I just wrote him a letter of apology and tried to get my feelings across in a nice manner. I just feel so horrible because I am the giving person, I love to give gifts that people like. And this is the first expensive thing I have been able to get my husband, and he tells me to shove it up my A**. I just can't get over those words, I just keep hearing them over and over again.
OP

 

[anonymous]

please just leave him, you can do so much better,, and in a years time you will look back and see it was the best thing you ever done xx

 

[anonymous]

Hello OP - I feel so sad for you now. He really should not have reacted that way. He should be grateful you were able to be there with everyone to celebrate the holiday. The holidays can be very stressful for everyone. I know my husband and I don't "do" stress well so we made it a point this year to limit our time away from home and to limit the amount of money/gifts that we gave this year. I felt a little guilty about spending two hours at my mothers and only buying small gifts for everyone but in the end that is not what it is all about. I hope you and your husband can get some help for your marriage. This is not the way you should have to live. We all have tough times but there is no need to be mean to eachother. I hope your day gets better. Paula

 

[anonymous]

Hello,
I am sorry you have had such a rough time over what is supposed to be a joyful season. I think it grossly unfair of your husband to expect you to shop and wrap gifts for his five children when you are recovering from pneumonia and have been working prior to your hospitalization. I know personally, my 'bod' would not have coped with all that entails. Surely one of his five, could have come to the rescue and given you a little help, Your health is not good now, and you need to recover away from this stressful situation, if you are to regain your strength. The art of compromise can be wasted with some partners, especially when they expect more......
The way I see things is that, you have each hurt each other deeply through hurtful words and actions and it's often harder for the male to bounce back first with an apology. Surveys also show that the mere male often finds gift buying a harder task to cope with too... [sorry to all the wonderful guys out there], no slur on male gender intended here <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> I have learnt to drop broad hints leading upto Christmas and was truly grateful for what I received yesterday.<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
As someone else mentioned life for us is short, don't waste it being unhappy.

Eileen.<img src="i/expressions/sun.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

Hi,

well my experiences are that most men don´t really know, what their girlfriends/wifes want and that they love technical things, so they think, women do too.
Some of my experiences:
-my father bought a expensive wristwatch for my mother: she never wears one, because she doesn´t want to...
-my first boyfriends present for me was something to put into the hair: I had a short haircut at that time...
-from another one I got handkerchieves...
-another "good" idea was one (1!) ticket for a concert, well don´t we all love to go to a concert alone...
-this time I got a hardcover book, although I mentioned at least three times, that I want to buy this book later as a paperback...

The other thing is, that in my opinion you should really talk with your husband and make clear, what kind of things you expect from him and what things he expects from you and I don´t mean only presents...but the whole work in the house, the financial things, how you both want to live, what is important for you and so on.

Of course I don´t know anyone of you, but as you have seen the robot as "He wants me to clean his house better", he might have seen the grill as "She wants me to work as cook for her and I hate cooking", while he meant "The robot helps her spare time" and you meant "He loves making steaks for us"...
Maybe you never really told him, that you don´t want to clean, cook, shop, wash,iron etc. besides working and that you could need some help from him?

Why did you get married? Did you live together before? Did you talk about your wishes, future, hopes, the children?
If not, its urgent now!!!
If you did, but can´t "come together", because your wishes are too different, you will have to decide what kind of life you really want!

My best wishes for the new year!!!

Uli,43,Germany

 

[anonymous]

Do you still have the receipt for the grill? I would consider taking it back if he doesn't appreciate it, especially if he's too prideful to use it.
And as for guys, I'm not intending to offend any males here, but a lot of guys (not all) are not the best at putting a whole lot of thought into gift giving, they just want to get it done (a lot of times on Christmas Eve!)
Just make sure to communicate to your husband why you were upset, not only about the gifts but about feeling unappreciated in general.
I hope everything gets better for you

 

[anonymous]

We KNEW eachother 6 months when we got married. Not the best of ideas. Things were really bad for us for a while but recently things have been a lot better...till now.
I spend the day with my family and it was wonderful. We only gave gifts to the kids not eachother. Instead of giving gifts to my parents, I put together a box of household items and gifts for soliders in Iraq.
And I learned how to knit today (with my mom) and I'm making scarves for homeless people for next winter. That way I won't have to listen to anyone say "Its not good enough, its not right, I don't like it, or the famous..You ruined my holiday." And for the 5 step kids, their significant others and the granddaughter...they will all be getting some nice scarves next Xmas.
He can do all of the shopping, wrapping, worrying, cleaning, cooking, etc. And I will have my scarves all ready for them!
Thanks for all of the advice all, I really appreciate it!
~Original Poster

 

[anonymous]

And yes, I do have the recipet for the grill. And it's so funny because the huge box that it is in (total weighing over 300#) is blocking in his little red sports car. So bummer, he'll have to deal with it one way or another when the weather gets nice.
op