Helping someone deal

[anonymous]

I'm not really sure how write this post but I will do my best.

I have been with someone for the past 2.5-3 years, we are prefect for each other and have(had?) plans to spend the rest of our lives together. Realizing we are too young at the moment to do anything formal we are not married or engaged but we both were on the same page about the issue, we both love each other dearly.

In the middle of January my significant other told me that it is time for a break, it turns out that this is not becuase of anyone else or other issues but simply becuase of the need to deal with the fact that I have CF. At first we had no contact for a week (that was a rough week), then we met up and I was finally told what the real issue was. I am not quite sure how to react and I do not know how to help the situation. We both still feel the same way about each other (both of us still express our love to each other daily). I just dont know what to say or do. I feel like we are getting farther apart even though neither of us want to. I feel more depressed than ever before although it helps that we still see each other, I just don't understand how this time will fix anything. The major concern was that if something happened to me (all of a sudden got sick etc...) then she wouldn't know what to do with herlself and couldn't handle me. I just feel like I am losing her and I don't know what to say to her.

 

[anonymous]

I'm not really sure how write this post but I will do my best.

I have been with someone for the past 2.5-3 years, we are prefect for each other and have(had?) plans to spend the rest of our lives together. Realizing we are too young at the moment to do anything formal we are not married or engaged but we both were on the same page about the issue, we both love each other dearly.

In the middle of January my significant other told me that it is time for a break, it turns out that this is not becuase of anyone else or other issues but simply becuase of the need to deal with the fact that I have CF. At first we had no contact for a week (that was a rough week), then we met up and I was finally told what the real issue was. I am not quite sure how to react and I do not know how to help the situation. We both still feel the same way about each other (both of us still express our love to each other daily). I just dont know what to say or do. I feel like we are getting farther apart even though neither of us want to. I feel more depressed than ever before although it helps that we still see each other, I just don't understand how this time will fix anything. The major concern was that if something happened to me (all of a sudden got sick etc...) then she wouldn't know what to do with herlself and couldn't handle me. I just feel like I am losing her and I don't know what to say to her.

 

[anonymous]

I hear your pain but feel there is a lot of information lacking from your post. I can hear that you are young and that you are probably holding onto all the responsibility for yourself not knowing what is really happening and assuming the worst. I believe it is not good to be too dependent on another person for your CF. Yes if you got really sick it would be nice to have support but it is the patient themselves that must pull themselves together and thrive on living. I would give her space but not too worry. IF she is not right for you meaning she cannot handle cF with you then it is best for you to know now rather than have her leave when you are sick (hopefully that will never happen to you) She will respect you more if you do not seem dependant on her like she is the only person for you.
I hope you put your health first as there are always other fish in the sea
good luck
Risa

 

[anonymous]

I hear your pain but feel there is a lot of information lacking from your post. I can hear that you are young and that you are probably holding onto all the responsibility for yourself not knowing what is really happening and assuming the worst. I believe it is not good to be too dependent on another person for your CF. Yes if you got really sick it would be nice to have support but it is the patient themselves that must pull themselves together and thrive on living. I would give her space but not too worry. IF she is not right for you meaning she cannot handle cF with you then it is best for you to know now rather than have her leave when you are sick (hopefully that will never happen to you) She will respect you more if you do not seem dependant on her like she is the only person for you.
I hope you put your health first as there are always other fish in the sea
good luck
Risa

 

[anonymous]

I once was as you are now. I dated a guy for a little over a year. He knew I had CF and thought he could handle it. And I was never a very sick CF patient. I haven't had any hospital stays as of yet (fingers crossed!) and have basically only had to deal with minor disturbances. Things were great at first. But slowly, the great understanding of each other that existed at the start of our relationship started to fade. The minor things that I had to deal with in my life, (ie - physio, getting extra tired some days, coughing 24/7, etc) started stressing him out, and despite the fact we were talking about marriage and being together forever, I finally sucked it up and ended it. He was all shocked and wanted to work it out and so on, but I knew the same issues would just keep reappearing and nothing would ever change. And what would happen when I started to really get sick?

Anyways, it was hard, but I moved on. You never think you could possibly meet someone as great as the last person you were with. But then the heavens open, and fate smiles upon you once again. The guy I'm with now, we have been together for about 5 1/2 years. We're engaged and getting married this August. He also knew before we started dating about the CF, but he's completely different about it. And I can tell instantly now, that the previous guy was in no way, shape, or form OK with it, even though he preached that he was every day. He was definately in denial about the whole issue. He figured if he pretended it didn't exist, then it must not. I felt like I had to hide my true self from him (ie - I would never do physio around him, try to suppress my coughing, etc). My guy now is absolutely amazing. He does some of my physio for me (on my back), he comes to the doctor with me, he reminds me to take my pills, etc. And the best part is he knows what the future may hold for me. We both want kids, but he knows that may not be a possibility, and we are both willing to deal with these issues instead of pretending they don't exist.

My point in all of this goes back to that famous quote, "if you love something, set if free, if it returns, then it was meant to be." That's the jist of it, I don't think that's it exactly. Even if it's hard to do now, it will get easier. Time heals all wounds, yada, yada, yada. You deserve to be with someone who loves you 100%, through sickness and in health, and who loves you for who you are. It doesn't sound like your significant other completely accepts the situation. Love should be unconditional, and no one deserve to settle for anything less.

I hope this has helped you in some way! I'm kind of a rambler, who often gets off topic. Good luck with everything,

Rose James

23 with CF

 

[anonymous]

I once was as you are now. I dated a guy for a little over a year. He knew I had CF and thought he could handle it. And I was never a very sick CF patient. I haven't had any hospital stays as of yet (fingers crossed!) and have basically only had to deal with minor disturbances. Things were great at first. But slowly, the great understanding of each other that existed at the start of our relationship started to fade. The minor things that I had to deal with in my life, (ie - physio, getting extra tired some days, coughing 24/7, etc) started stressing him out, and despite the fact we were talking about marriage and being together forever, I finally sucked it up and ended it. He was all shocked and wanted to work it out and so on, but I knew the same issues would just keep reappearing and nothing would ever change. And what would happen when I started to really get sick?

Anyways, it was hard, but I moved on. You never think you could possibly meet someone as great as the last person you were with. But then the heavens open, and fate smiles upon you once again. The guy I'm with now, we have been together for about 5 1/2 years. We're engaged and getting married this August. He also knew before we started dating about the CF, but he's completely different about it. And I can tell instantly now, that the previous guy was in no way, shape, or form OK with it, even though he preached that he was every day. He was definately in denial about the whole issue. He figured if he pretended it didn't exist, then it must not. I felt like I had to hide my true self from him (ie - I would never do physio around him, try to suppress my coughing, etc). My guy now is absolutely amazing. He does some of my physio for me (on my back), he comes to the doctor with me, he reminds me to take my pills, etc. And the best part is he knows what the future may hold for me. We both want kids, but he knows that may not be a possibility, and we are both willing to deal with these issues instead of pretending they don't exist.

My point in all of this goes back to that famous quote, "if you love something, set if free, if it returns, then it was meant to be." That's the jist of it, I don't think that's it exactly. Even if it's hard to do now, it will get easier. Time heals all wounds, yada, yada, yada. You deserve to be with someone who loves you 100%, through sickness and in health, and who loves you for who you are. It doesn't sound like your significant other completely accepts the situation. Love should be unconditional, and no one deserve to settle for anything less.

I hope this has helped you in some way! I'm kind of a rambler, who often gets off topic. Good luck with everything,

Rose James

23 with CF

 

[anonymous]

Great advice Rose

Risa

 

[anonymous]

Great advice Rose

Risa

 

[anonymous]

well the issue is that she is dependent on me, not the other way around.
I am , and always have been very independant.

The issue is she wants to make sure she is strong enough to handle the effects CF could have on me, becuase like I said she claims that if something happened to me right now she would not be able to handle it. I know it sounds nieve and young to say, but there is no doubt for me this is the person I will be spending the rest of my life with (and she feels the same way). We both never fought throughout our entire relationship (and still do not) and we never get bored with each other. I guess what I am saying is I know she is the one I just dont know how to help her deal with the situation. We all at times have a hard time dealing with our CF and I think she is just going through the same thing except she has to deal with the fact that someone she really loves and cares about has it. Commiting to that must be very hard. I think we have finally got to the point in our relationship where she realized it either has to go further or it shouldn't be and she expresses feelings that she wants it to go further she just needs time for her brain to catch up with her heart (dont know how else to explain that)

 

[anonymous]

well the issue is that she is dependent on me, not the other way around.
I am , and always have been very independant.

The issue is she wants to make sure she is strong enough to handle the effects CF could have on me, becuase like I said she claims that if something happened to me right now she would not be able to handle it. I know it sounds nieve and young to say, but there is no doubt for me this is the person I will be spending the rest of my life with (and she feels the same way). We both never fought throughout our entire relationship (and still do not) and we never get bored with each other. I guess what I am saying is I know she is the one I just dont know how to help her deal with the situation. We all at times have a hard time dealing with our CF and I think she is just going through the same thing except she has to deal with the fact that someone she really loves and cares about has it. Commiting to that must be very hard. I think we have finally got to the point in our relationship where she realized it either has to go further or it shouldn't be and she expresses feelings that she wants it to go further she just needs time for her brain to catch up with her heart (dont know how else to explain that)

 

[JazzysMom]

I think U have 2 groups of people. Those that can handle illness & those that cant. Its easy to say that U will stick by someones side until there is a "reality" check. Like if a person is healthy for a long time & somewhere the person & there spouse are saying "THIS ISNT SO BAD>>>>WHAT WAS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT" and then BOOM....reality sets in & the true test starts. I believe CFers need to really have a "bad" time during a relationship so the potential spouse can get a clearer view of what to expect in the bad times. This is one of the reasons that I never withheld my CF from any of my boyfriends. It filters out the ones that cant handle illness immediately & then as time goes on it filters more until U are down to the one that is willing to stand by you thru it all. I am sorry that it is such a shock to you. In reality I think there is more going on & its easier to blame the CF factor. I have no right to say that & have no idea if its true in your case. I have had relationships & seen many friends go thru the breakups with the "its not you its me scenario" which is much like the CF scenario.

 

[JazzysMom]

I think U have 2 groups of people. Those that can handle illness & those that cant. Its easy to say that U will stick by someones side until there is a "reality" check. Like if a person is healthy for a long time & somewhere the person & there spouse are saying "THIS ISNT SO BAD>>>>WHAT WAS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT" and then BOOM....reality sets in & the true test starts. I believe CFers need to really have a "bad" time during a relationship so the potential spouse can get a clearer view of what to expect in the bad times. This is one of the reasons that I never withheld my CF from any of my boyfriends. It filters out the ones that cant handle illness immediately & then as time goes on it filters more until U are down to the one that is willing to stand by you thru it all. I am sorry that it is such a shock to you. In reality I think there is more going on & its easier to blame the CF factor. I have no right to say that & have no idea if its true in your case. I have had relationships & seen many friends go thru the breakups with the "its not you its me scenario" which is much like the CF scenario.

 

[anonymous]

well the issue is that she is dependent on me, not the other way around.
I am , and always have been very independant.

The issue is she wants to make sure she is strong enough to handle the effects CF could have on me, becuase like I said she claims that if something happened to me right now she would not be able to handle it. I know it sounds nieve and young to say, but there is no doubt for me this is the person I will be spending the rest of my life with (and she feels the same way). We both never fought throughout our entire relationship (and still do not) and we never get bored with each other. I guess what I am saying is I know she is the one I just dont know how to help her deal with the situation. We all at times have a hard time dealing with our CF and I think she is just going through the same thing except she has to deal with the fact that someone she really loves and cares about has it. Commiting to that must be very hard. I think we have finally got to the point in our relationship where she realized it either has to go further or it shouldn't be and she expresses feelings that she wants it to go further she just needs time for her brain to catch up with her heart (dont know how else to explain that)

 

[anonymous]

well the issue is that she is dependent on me, not the other way around.
I am , and always have been very independant.

The issue is she wants to make sure she is strong enough to handle the effects CF could have on me, becuase like I said she claims that if something happened to me right now she would not be able to handle it. I know it sounds nieve and young to say, but there is no doubt for me this is the person I will be spending the rest of my life with (and she feels the same way). We both never fought throughout our entire relationship (and still do not) and we never get bored with each other. I guess what I am saying is I know she is the one I just dont know how to help her deal with the situation. We all at times have a hard time dealing with our CF and I think she is just going through the same thing except she has to deal with the fact that someone she really loves and cares about has it. Commiting to that must be very hard. I think we have finally got to the point in our relationship where she realized it either has to go further or it shouldn't be and she expresses feelings that she wants it to go further she just needs time for her brain to catch up with her heart (dont know how else to explain that)

 

[Allie]

Here's the thing. Accepting that your loved one has Cf, and accepting all the inherent realities of that knowledge, isn't easy for anyone. But some people really and truly can't handle it. She has to decide for herself if she is one of those people, you can't convince her that she can handle it, and then she'll up and leave you when your CF starts getting worse. I married a very independent soul, but evetually, he needed my help with things. It's the nature of the beast. <blockquote>Quote<br><hr>The major concern was that if something happened to me (all of a sudden got sick etc...) then she wouldn't know what to do with herlself and couldn't handle me.<hr></blockquote>

She's telling you here, in my opinion, that she couldn't deal with having a severely ill spouse. But, with Cf, that's an eventuality. You didn't say how old you are, and this might have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. If she truly can't handle it, it's better to know now.

I'll be glad to talk to her if you think it'll help, but I don't know what her 'real' problem is, so it's hard to say.

 

[Allie]

Here's the thing. Accepting that your loved one has Cf, and accepting all the inherent realities of that knowledge, isn't easy for anyone. But some people really and truly can't handle it. She has to decide for herself if she is one of those people, you can't convince her that she can handle it, and then she'll up and leave you when your CF starts getting worse. I married a very independent soul, but evetually, he needed my help with things. It's the nature of the beast. <blockquote>Quote<br><hr>The major concern was that if something happened to me (all of a sudden got sick etc...) then she wouldn't know what to do with herlself and couldn't handle me.<hr></blockquote>

She's telling you here, in my opinion, that she couldn't deal with having a severely ill spouse. But, with Cf, that's an eventuality. You didn't say how old you are, and this might have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. If she truly can't handle it, it's better to know now.

I'll be glad to talk to her if you think it'll help, but I don't know what her 'real' problem is, so it's hard to say.

 

[Faust]

Whenever someone pulls that "I think we need some space"/"I think we need some time apart", it's because they aren't into it anymore for whatever reasons, and just don't tell the person what is really up. I've always been a man about things and never told that crap to a chick, I think that is REAL weak.

 

[Faust]

Whenever someone pulls that "I think we need some space"/"I think we need some time apart", it's because they aren't into it anymore for whatever reasons, and just don't tell the person what is really up. I've always been a man about things and never told that crap to a chick, I think that is REAL weak.

 

[anonymous]

I think it is defenitly weak. The way I see it and I dont pull to many punches.Your better off and If she thinks she cant handle it,she cant. I would think love and dedication go hand in hand. It does for me. I have been in love before,and I knew time was limited but I took every day I could get. I also think Integrity comes to play and If your loved one needs care in the most possible way then hopefully you wouldnt and couldnt walk away. that is the brass tacts of it.

 

[anonymous]

I think it is defenitly weak. The way I see it and I dont pull to many punches.Your better off and If she thinks she cant handle it,she cant. I would think love and dedication go hand in hand. It does for me. I have been in love before,and I knew time was limited but I took every day I could get. I also think Integrity comes to play and If your loved one needs care in the most possible way then hopefully you wouldnt and couldnt walk away. that is the brass tacts of it.