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how to make your parents realize the truth

I

Iamqueenofeverything

New member
i have a older sibling who is just a lazy bum. he has some addictions in the past where he has lost his job, car, apartments, material things etc. he has lost all of these things several times. he is now where he has trouble finding a job when he looses his job. whenever he gets a car he does things where the car has multiple car problems. he doesnt pay for anything when he lives with my parents. through fits when my parents ask him to clean his dishes or whatever small thing. he always sleeps or eats and doesnt do anything to fix his life. he is in his middle 30s and still lives our parents.
my mom refuses to let him fail and suffer the consequenes. ie my mom got my brother out of jail because he didnt pay his ticket and had to do some jail time. she is afraid that he will be homeless and lose everything and not come home.
we have been through this for 15 years.
how can i tell my mom that enough is enough? my dad and i are ready to let him go and to let him be responsible for his choices,
my dad and mom have done everything right expect for letting him be responsilbe for his own choices.
how do i convice my mom to let go so we can live our life in peace?
 
I

Iamqueenofeverything

New member
i have a older sibling who is just a lazy bum. he has some addictions in the past where he has lost his job, car, apartments, material things etc. he has lost all of these things several times. he is now where he has trouble finding a job when he looses his job. whenever he gets a car he does things where the car has multiple car problems. he doesnt pay for anything when he lives with my parents. through fits when my parents ask him to clean his dishes or whatever small thing. he always sleeps or eats and doesnt do anything to fix his life. he is in his middle 30s and still lives our parents.
my mom refuses to let him fail and suffer the consequenes. ie my mom got my brother out of jail because he didnt pay his ticket and had to do some jail time. she is afraid that he will be homeless and lose everything and not come home.
we have been through this for 15 years.
how can i tell my mom that enough is enough? my dad and i are ready to let him go and to let him be responsible for his choices,
my dad and mom have done everything right expect for letting him be responsilbe for his own choices.
how do i convice my mom to let go so we can live our life in peace?
 
I

Iamqueenofeverything

New member
i have a older sibling who is just a lazy bum. he has some addictions in the past where he has lost his job, car, apartments, material things etc. he has lost all of these things several times. he is now where he has trouble finding a job when he looses his job. whenever he gets a car he does things where the car has multiple car problems. he doesnt pay for anything when he lives with my parents. through fits when my parents ask him to clean his dishes or whatever small thing. he always sleeps or eats and doesnt do anything to fix his life. he is in his middle 30s and still lives our parents.
<br />my mom refuses to let him fail and suffer the consequenes. ie my mom got my brother out of jail because he didnt pay his ticket and had to do some jail time. she is afraid that he will be homeless and lose everything and not come home.
<br />we have been through this for 15 years.
<br />how can i tell my mom that enough is enough? my dad and i are ready to let him go and to let him be responsible for his choices,
<br />my dad and mom have done everything right expect for letting him be responsilbe for his own choices.
<br />how do i convice my mom to let go so we can live our life in peace?
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Wow!

Sounds so easy, yet is so difficult!

Leading the horse to water, but not being able to make him drink is an old saying that fits this, and all I can offer you is opinion based on my life experience.

The only alternative is to make him thirsty, an observation I made by myself when I was faced with the same problem at work.

I'm not all-knowing for "AA", "Children of AA" or "Co-dependency" because I really don't practice it, but I can see this is what it looks like.

It seems you and your father have the right idea. It would be up to your mother to understand what she's doing is done as an initializer to allow your older sibling's dependency to continue.

In many cases, a detrimental trauma puts a lot of people on track, but its not always the case.

For your older sibling, "Hard Love" could be an answer, being direct with him as to how the cause of their actions brings the consequences. The other one might be as drastic as giving him an ultimatum and you sticking by your words (or whomever has that kind of clout).

If you haven't spoken to your mom already about how old he is, how old he is acting and add ideas to restrict his living to which he will hopefully learn to make it on his own as an adult, then perhaps that wouldn't at least hurt. I also found it helpful to keep in mind to do what you can do for yourself and leave the rest up to a higher power. (part of a "co-dependents" creed)

Another observation is that in a general sense, and a song written by Billy Joel, if you don't make mistakes, you never grow from them (Song "Only Human"), and after many poor choices myself, I had learned a lot. In that sense, I'm sure everyone does learn something, but only IF they make the mistakes to learn upon.

I had been in-and-out of living with my parents during my college years, and they had given me responsibilities and conditions, which I think helped me to "ease" out of that living situation. The final one was actually my father giving strict advice to find a place of my own, and looking back, he was probably being generous with his wording.

If you can manage to get your mom, or elder sibling thirsty, eventually they will want to drink, eh?

I wish you luck with whatever course you take.
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Wow!

Sounds so easy, yet is so difficult!

Leading the horse to water, but not being able to make him drink is an old saying that fits this, and all I can offer you is opinion based on my life experience.

The only alternative is to make him thirsty, an observation I made by myself when I was faced with the same problem at work.

I'm not all-knowing for "AA", "Children of AA" or "Co-dependency" because I really don't practice it, but I can see this is what it looks like.

It seems you and your father have the right idea. It would be up to your mother to understand what she's doing is done as an initializer to allow your older sibling's dependency to continue.

In many cases, a detrimental trauma puts a lot of people on track, but its not always the case.

For your older sibling, "Hard Love" could be an answer, being direct with him as to how the cause of their actions brings the consequences. The other one might be as drastic as giving him an ultimatum and you sticking by your words (or whomever has that kind of clout).

If you haven't spoken to your mom already about how old he is, how old he is acting and add ideas to restrict his living to which he will hopefully learn to make it on his own as an adult, then perhaps that wouldn't at least hurt. I also found it helpful to keep in mind to do what you can do for yourself and leave the rest up to a higher power. (part of a "co-dependents" creed)

Another observation is that in a general sense, and a song written by Billy Joel, if you don't make mistakes, you never grow from them (Song "Only Human"), and after many poor choices myself, I had learned a lot. In that sense, I'm sure everyone does learn something, but only IF they make the mistakes to learn upon.

I had been in-and-out of living with my parents during my college years, and they had given me responsibilities and conditions, which I think helped me to "ease" out of that living situation. The final one was actually my father giving strict advice to find a place of my own, and looking back, he was probably being generous with his wording.

If you can manage to get your mom, or elder sibling thirsty, eventually they will want to drink, eh?

I wish you luck with whatever course you take.
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Wow!
<br />
<br />Sounds so easy, yet is so difficult!
<br />
<br />Leading the horse to water, but not being able to make him drink is an old saying that fits this, and all I can offer you is opinion based on my life experience.
<br />
<br />The only alternative is to make him thirsty, an observation I made by myself when I was faced with the same problem at work.
<br />
<br />I'm not all-knowing for "AA", "Children of AA" or "Co-dependency" because I really don't practice it, but I can see this is what it looks like.
<br />
<br />It seems you and your father have the right idea. It would be up to your mother to understand what she's doing is done as an initializer to allow your older sibling's dependency to continue.
<br />
<br />In many cases, a detrimental trauma puts a lot of people on track, but its not always the case.
<br />
<br />For your older sibling, "Hard Love" could be an answer, being direct with him as to how the cause of their actions brings the consequences. The other one might be as drastic as giving him an ultimatum and you sticking by your words (or whomever has that kind of clout).
<br />
<br />If you haven't spoken to your mom already about how old he is, how old he is acting and add ideas to restrict his living to which he will hopefully learn to make it on his own as an adult, then perhaps that wouldn't at least hurt. I also found it helpful to keep in mind to do what you can do for yourself and leave the rest up to a higher power. (part of a "co-dependents" creed)
<br />
<br />Another observation is that in a general sense, and a song written by Billy Joel, if you don't make mistakes, you never grow from them (Song "Only Human"), and after many poor choices myself, I had learned a lot. In that sense, I'm sure everyone does learn something, but only IF they make the mistakes to learn upon.
<br />
<br />I had been in-and-out of living with my parents during my college years, and they had given me responsibilities and conditions, which I think helped me to "ease" out of that living situation. The final one was actually my father giving strict advice to find a place of my own, and looking back, he was probably being generous with his wording.
<br />
<br />If you can manage to get your mom, or elder sibling thirsty, eventually they will want to drink, eh?
<br />
<br />I wish you luck with whatever course you take.
<br />
 
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