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Hypothetical question

Faust

New member
Ok I was thinking about this on my drive home. I was listening to an old broadcast of Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell (very cool show on late at night on AM radio, they talk about the paranormal, ufos, bigfoot, conspiracies, aliens, all that cool stuff), and it was a very old broadcast, possibly from 97. The guest who was talking passed away shortly after the broadcast, and sadly took a ton of great information to the grave.


Then I started to think about the host, Art Bell. He recently (very recently, like early march) had his much cherished wife Ramona die in her sleep from asthma. It got me thinking about how humans in general, only start to consciously, seriously cherish someone close to them when they have reason to think they won't have them around for much longer. Now don't read into that the wrong way. I know we all cherish our loved ones, and even in the strongest, closest relationships (any form of relationship, even familial), we at times take the other for granted because we feel they will always be there another day, another week, another month, another year, etc etc. It's nothing bad, it's just part of human nature, untill we are jolted from that false reality with something like getting a knock at your door at 3am that a loved one has been killed in a car accident, or died in a drive bye shooting, or say a husband that is a cop that got shot to death at a random traffic stop. Doesn't matter what it is or the circumstances, i'm just refering to how humans, especially after a long period of time with someone, tend to expect that person to be there for more general expected time.


That all being said, with me hearing Art Bell talk from a show in the fairly distant past, and I now know his beloved wife Ramona dies of asthma in March 06 (quite a while down the road from that broadcast), if I had some way of informing him, or anyone for that matter, to say spend more time with their loved one, because within a fairly soon amount of time, they will be gone from the physical realm, and they won't be able to have them with them anymore, should I do it?

I won't be telling anyone how/if their loved one will die, or when, but just a simple form of "You and so and so won't be able to spend time with each other/have the same life you now have, in the not too distant furture...I recommend you both not take each other for granted now". Or something similar. Would you do that?


Personally if it was me, seeing as how people start to feel comfortable and always expect the other to be there (the term "take for granted" isn't a good choice of words) all the time, I would want to be told I only had a fairly small amount of time left to be with my loved one, in the way I currently enjoy being with them. Like if my brother was going to get hit by a car and be dead in two weeks, or sister gets struck by lightning, it doesn't matter how or even when, just to be reminded to enjoy them as much now as I possibly can and value every second.


Would you want it done for you? Would you do it for others if you had the ability? Time flies while you are here on earth, and we get caught up in the daily living aspect of being human and being alive. I would want to be told, and would do it for others.
 

Faust

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>amy</b></i>

I dont' live in the hypotethical.</end quote></div>



It's a good thing you cleared that up, here I am trying to send you a baby shower notice card, mailed it last week, and it appears that you indeed, don't live in Hypothetical. I suppose "Amy, who lives in Hypothetical" was a tad vague on the address <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0">
 

beyerdug

New member
Sean,
I think even if you were told that, you would soon get complascent at some point. I don't think anyone can attain the level of enjoyment 24/7 that you are suggesting. I do think its a good topic to discuss because I think people in general should try to reflect on a regular basis and remember how great life is and the lives of others. We need to embrace each other more and appreciate life and the ability to share our lives with others. But when I'm brushing my teeth for the millionth time it is so routine that I am not thinking how wonderful my wife is then. I just want to finish brushing my teeth. Let me end by appreciating you though. You often make me laugh with your GREAT humor. Thanks!!!
 

Faust

New member
Yeah I agree Doug. While our lives are very short compared to some trees, and some tortouise's, and to some even parrots, life at times does feel quite long, if only due to stretches of crappiness. I liked your brushing of teeth example, pretty much hits it on the head. But I guess what I was asking is, since you know how we get eventually (as per your brushing teeth example), would you want to be told, and maybe (just to add to the convo) be given more of a general timeline as to how much general time you have left with them? It wouldn't be a "On friday the 15th of this month, at 3:15 pm..." kind of thing. More of a "Within two weeks to a month..." warning. Let's also say there is no way to stop it, it's guaranteed. I would want that time to be able to appreciate every waking moment with the person, and for us to ignore the trivial aspects of life and do things we haven't done that we have always wanted to do.


I think I would see that in others, and make it a mission of mine to inform others, like I would want to be informed.
 

beyerdug

New member
I would'nt want to know because I think I would spend most of the time grieving over the inevitable loss. It would be like being on death row I think. I would be locked in a state of depression and not able to enjoy the time I have left. Perhaps if it was more vague like "you don't have MUCH time left" but if I knew exactly how much time I wouldn't enjoy it. Thats me though.
 

Faust

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>beyerdug</b></i>

I would'nt want to know because I think I would spend most of the time grieving over the inevitable loss. It would be like being on death row I think. I would be locked in a state of depression and not able to enjoy the time I have left. Perhaps if it was more vague like "you don't have MUCH time left" but if I knew exactly how much time I wouldn't enjoy it. Thats me though.</end quote></div>



Yeah another quandry. On one side, if you give them a more specific time frame to enjoy time with them, they freak out and it's more torture. On the other side, if you don't give them any time frame at all, that can equally be torture, and if nothing happens to them in say 6 months, you will think it was all BS and revert back to complacentcy. Hard to call what would be the best thing to tell someone.
 

Jane

Digital opinion leader
I don't know how to answer. It sucks both ways. I am a worrier, I'd probably spend the time grieving, like Doug said. Although I'm not sure if it is easier to grieve before, with the person or after by yourself. Knowing people who have had loss both ways, it might seem to be better to know.

As usual, I'm on the fence.

Jane
 

NoExcuses

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>SeanDavis</b></i>

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>amy</b></i>



I dont' live in the hypotethical.</end quote></div>







It's a good thing you cleared that up, here I am trying to send you a baby shower notice card, mailed it last week, and it appears that you indeed, don't live in Hypothetical. I suppose "Amy, who lives in Hypothetical" was a tad vague on the address <img src=""></end quote></div>


you crack me up
 

beyerdug

New member
I think what you are doing now is the best for everyone. Just bring awareness baout the subject and perhaps some people will take the time to enjoy the people they have in their lives. If they lose someone they will know that they took the time to appreciate them.
 

Faust

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Jane</b></i>

I don't know how to answer. It sucks both ways. I am a worrier, I'd probably spend the time grieving, like Doug said. Although I'm not sure if it is easier to grieve before, with the person or after by yourself. Knowing people who have had loss both ways, it might seem to be better to know.



As usual, I'm on the fence.



Jane</end quote></div>



I think the more I think about it, i'd like to know a more specific time frame. Every one who is in some form of relationship (boyfriend-girlfriend, son-mother, grandchild-grandfather, etc) always says things like "Someday i'd like to (fill in the blank) with you, wouldn't that be fun?", and then they never get around to doing it mostly due to the requirements of the daily grind of life. Or if they seriously plan on doing it "In a few years", and then the other person dies before then, and you are left thinking "I just wish I would have known how much time I had left with them, we could have done (fill in the blank) together like we planned, I wouldn't have waited!!!". If I had a dime for everytime a currently deceased friend and myself said we really wanted to do something we thought was extremely cool together, but "next year", or "Whenever we get more money", and they died before we could do it, i'd be rich.


I think sitting back and looking at both the pros and cons, i'd have to go with knowing a more specific time frame, and telling lame real life to go get stuffed, and do the things we want to do, and document on video and pics every single second of it to cherish down the road.
 

Faust

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>beyerdug</b></i>

I think what you are doing now is the best for everyone. Just bring awareness baout the subject and perhaps some people will take the time to enjoy the people they have in their lives. If they lose someone they will know that they took the time to appreciate them.</end quote></div>



Yeah that is true, but as you stated earlier, unless that person has a good reason to feel the other person will be taken from them relatively soon, they will fall back into thinking they will always be there mode again. Like if I knew my mom had inoperable brain cancer and the docs gave her a month to live, i know that while it might not be a month (almost always longer than what they give), it certainly changes how we view each other from that point on. No longer will I think that my fairly young mom will be there in 6 months to a year, so I will from that point on making an effort to spend more time with her, talk more, remember good times together, and all that stuff. If I have no reason to feel she will be taken from me soon, I will probably still be playing video games in three weeks, as opposed to getting up and doing the former that I mentioned.
 

beyerdug

New member
I just think that life is all a guess as far as when events will happen. We have little control over that and that is what makes life exciting. We can control what we do with our lives and it shouldn't take knowing when we will lose a person to start making more good memories with them. I think if you are afraid of not having enough you should take control and start adding more to the relationship. I just don't think it is natural or healthy to know when you will lose someone. We are all different though.
 

Faust

New member
On second thought i'd go back in time and inform my 9 year old self that those Sea Monkeys in the comic book are just brine shrimp, and they really don't build their own cities and have those giant heads and smile all the time and to save my money...And especially, to save the comic for it's value and not cut that damn ad out to send away for them. Wow just imagine how many times we would beat our own as*es for dumb stuff if we could go back.
 

beyerdug

New member
Now that is a topic we agree on. I can't think of how many things I wish I could have had my adult knowlege for when I was a kid.
 

beyerdug

New member
But our parents had the knowledge and tried to tell us but we wouldn't listen. How freaky would it be to see ourselves grown up and then to try and listen? It still might be hard.
 

anonymous

New member
Strange you should ask this question. I don't know what I would have said before my brother died, but now I wish I would have known. Out of God's grace, I got to speak with my brother on the phone the night before he died....and while, I will always be thankful for that, I actually got mad at him...and I was hard on him. I guess I was practicing tough love....I wanted him to get his act together. Chad(34 no cf) had suffered from depression, drug addiction, and had struggled with wanting to die for 10 years. He had a beautiful wife and a precious little boy and he wouldn't even get it together for them. I struggled with anger for years with him because I wanted him to realize life is a choice and you just have to live and choose to be thankful for the gifts we do have.....here I am the one with the terminal illness and he chose to pity party life.

Igot off the phone that night and said to my husband, "If he kills himself tonight, I will never forgive myself." The next day, I was at cf clinic and got the call that Chad was found by my dad, dead, in my mom's bath-tub. So, for weeks I lived with the knowledge that my last conversation with Chad was the one that pushed him over the edge....and he had finally succeeded in taking his own life....he had tried around 15 times before. Two days after he died my sister in law told me that she was 7 weeks prego....she never got the chance to tell him.

!0 weeks after his death, we got the coroner's report that chad died of an apparent heart attck with NO DRUGS in his system..he was drunk but had NOT killed himself. I have had so many questions since then. Why was our last conversation like that? What was the point of all those years of sadness? If I had only known, what would I have done differently? I would have gone over there that night and loved him....sat with him and watched tv...played trivial pursuit....a million different things.

Would I have worried about his death and mourned him while he was still alive? yes....but I think I would have showed him more that I supported him and I would have tried to see his hurt, rather than lecturing him on why he had it so good.

I hope he can see us now...he has 2 sons that are healthy and beautiful....and really miss their dad.....well, walker does...the baby obviously will never know his dad. I miss him though, and I regret not having been closer to him.

From now on, I tell people every time I think it that I love them. It's weird, you would think that a person with cf would already do that. It took chad's death to wake me up.

mandy
 

beyerdug

New member
I think you make my point clearer. We should live life like everyone around us is going to die anytime because they will. To know the exact time and day would make things weird. We shouldn't have to know when to treat everyone with respect and kindness. We should try to make as many moments as memorable as we can. The thing is we don't know when our friends or loved ones will part with us so we should try not to take them for granted as much as we can.
 
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