relationship issues with your parents

[anonymous]

I'm going to hide behind the annon user for this. I also posted this in the OT section but wanted to put it here too.

Please share how you hande relationship problems with parents if you live with them.

I'm "home" for a short period of time and knew it would bring up some issues for me. And it has. I'm trying to be so kind because I deeply love my parents and they deserve the best!!!! I think it's personality problems that come up and it is sooooo tough being here sometimes. The thought of hurting their feelings kills me, I would NEVER want to hurt their feelings. I know I did that plenty when I was younger. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> But now, I want a separate life, one that I choose what information they know about my life, and one where I am a complete individual apart from them. For the most part I definitely am, but the other part of me has always HAD to go back "home" when I go in the hospital, or get too sick. Because of that I think I will always struggle with successfully separating myself from them. It's not good for my mental status. Since I'm continually struggling with doing this, I've not succeeded with it yet. Do you what I mean? I'm in my 30s and hate that I deal with this type of thing.

All other areas in my life are mine and doing well, married, good job, have fun, lots of laughs, travel...

Any advice on how to separate from parents even when you have to be back "home" for sick periods of time?

 

[lightNlife]

Yes, that part is very tricky. I crave autonomy and it's difficult
for me to accept help, especially from my parents when my health
issues flare up. I know there's a large social stigma associated
with getting help from a professional (i.e. therapist) but that is
a route I eventually found myself needing to take in order to
understand how to effectively assert my individuality while
respecting (and appreciating!) my parents' involvement.<br>
<br>
I'm not sure what you meant by "personality problems"
that come up, and frankly that's none of my business. Perhaps
that's something a professional could help with as well?<br>
<br>
Recently I've learned to delegate certain things to my parents. For
example, I'll ask my mom to make a grocery run for me, or a trip to
the pharmacy, answer the door when my homehealthcare nurse arrives,
etc. . That way she is "in the loop", but I still have
the control. Something else that helps me feel separate even when I
have been under their direct care is to have a defined routine.<br>
<br>
I hope this has helped. Autonomy is hard to come-by when it seems
that we're defined in so many other nameless ways.<br>
<br>
Sorry if you haven't had your questions answered before. I intend
to use the forum for education/information purposes, and save the
venting/ranting for private emails.

 

[Ender]

I can totally relate.

I have just moved back in with my dad after a period of maybe 6 years, and the whole time we rarely talked. He left my mom when i was 5, barely paid any benefits, and left with the car and my mom unemployed with 3 children.

I quit my job about a month and a half ago. I just couldn't do it mentally and physically. Since then, i am having a really hard time with going back to work. I just don't feel like doing anything, all i do is sleep (at odd hours) and have put myself in a bad financial situation. I can tell he is really pissed off about this, and keeps telling me to get off my ass and find a job, don't be so lazy etc. I told him that I am mentally unwell at this point, and I think he is finally getting the picture, but in all honesty, i hate relying on him. I hate the fact that this was my only option 6 months ago, and I think he knows that too. He has already threatened to kick me out twice, and just causes me so much stress.

I don't ask for much, I pay him rent when i have the money, and all i want is to be left alone, and let me figure things out. I don't want his help in terms of taking me places (god forbid) or getting me stuff from the store. I just need a place to sleep, and food sometimes, and i think even then it's a bit much for him.

I think family support is very important, and lately I feel like I don't really have much. It's depressing, it really is. I think to be able to go back and ask for help when needed is a great thing, and don't worry about it. As long as they are willing, then go nuts, and don't feel guilty if you need your space while doing it. You didn't ask for this disease...and I'm sure a lot of times they just love having you there ;P

 

[thelizardqueen]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Ender</b></i>

I don't ask for much, I pay him rent when i have the money, and all i want is to be left alone, and let me figure things out. I don't want his help in terms of taking me places (god forbid) or getting me stuff from the store.</end quote></div>

Dude - what you need is SA.

 

[Ender]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>thelizardqueen</b></i>

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Ender</b></i>



I don't ask for much, I pay him rent when i have the money, and all i want is to be left alone, and let me figure things out. I don't want his help in terms of taking me places (god forbid) or getting me stuff from the store.</end quote></div>



Dude - what you need is SA.</end quote></div>

heh, i actually applied and have a meeting today. I want it just for a few months, and for it's drug benefits too. When i told my dad this, he told me to get off my ass and find a job...and stop taking the easy way out. You can imagine i got kinda pissed. He's since relaxed a bit.

 

[JennifersHope]

Gosh I can relate to you totally. I am 33 and I live at home with my dad and step mom.. When I am healthy, they never see me... and I manage pretty well on my own.. Though since moving in with them three years ago, they pretty much spoil me to death..

It is really hard and I agree finding a balance is so hard,,, I have been in the hospital so much in the past few years and I am so, so, dependant on my dad when I am sick.. He and his wife pack my bags, get my meds together, bring me my stuff and pretty much everything I need... I have become so dependent on them that I am afraid and fearful for when they are not here to help me. (like if I out live them or something)

At the same time that I am totally dependent on them, as I speak now I am in the hospital and while I am here, my dad decided to clean my room..ALL my personal stuff is in there... my private space once again has been taken over and they rearranged my room and made things to such a way that they think is best for me. Granted they mean well but it is such a helpless feeling,,,

I don't have any answer.. I kind of feel trapped ... Like I hve to take the good with the bad... and the bad is I have lost a lot of my "adult hood" the good is they are the reason that I was able to finish school and also why I am alive today.

I wish more ppl would reply to this..I am really looking for answers as well


Jennifer

(in the hospital and can't sleep cause my tummy has turned to cement)

 

[kybert]

having just moved back in with my parents and i kinda know how you feel. only difference is i cant stand my parents. i dont know if living away from home for 5 years has made me more aware of their selfishness, stupidity and short tempers or if those traits just got worse over the years, but all i know is i want to get the hell out of here before they totally ruin my mental state. i wish everyday that i didnt have to depend on them. unfortunately cf will always make me dependent on them and my mum in particular takes advantage of and abuses that fact. ho hum. not really any advice but yeah, i sympathize.

 

[JazzysMom]

Ahh parents.....well let me tell you that I was up my Moms butt for years. Even after I married my first husband, my Moms thoughts & opinions were mine. I thought her word was gosple etc, etc. Then my first husband & I split up & I stayed with her. The plan was until I found a place. Well my husband & I ended up back together only to officially split up a year later. When we officially split up I refused to go to my mother for help. It was as hard as hell. She had been my saviour for years in personal, financial & health problems. For some reason I didnt want that at this point in my life. Fast forward a bit. I meet my new husband, I get pregnant, my Mom "disowns" me. My new husband is my strength, my knight in shining armor & the light that shows me how to have my own thoughts, opinions & be independant. Mom doesnt like this much & doesnt know how to handle it. We work thru it, but not without MAJOR obstacles slowing us up along the way. I could/would never rely on her the way I use to. The most I have asked for her help since being with my new husband is when I got terrible sick in 1/2000. I asked her to watch Jazmine while my husband worked during the day. I dont ask that of her now. Once in awhile she will, but now that Jazmine is in school its hard for her to watch her. The Mom of my best friend from high school lives around the corner from us & has pitched in IF we need help. I think my Mom's nose is out of joint, but it works better for our life happenings. Mom needs to be needed, but IMHO in an unhealthy way. It took a lot of soul searching, sacrifice & work to become less dependant on her. The only good thing is that IF I truly needed her; I know she would always be there!