Relationships - need advice

[Andrew]

Hi,I'm new to the forums and I need some advice from people with CF in relationships and those with partners who have CF - basically any advice is good advice. I don't quite know what to write so I'm pretty much going to ramble on... I hope it makes sense to some people out there.I'm 23 and had a transplant about 6 months ago and everything is going fine. I am able to do an incredible amount of activities that I would not have even considered less than a year ago. My problems are more psychological. Having been relatively sick for about 2 years pre-transplant I never really worried about girlfriends. It is fair to say that I have never really had a girlfriend - CF is something that has always worried me and has affected my confidence considerably - I am generally a shy person around strangers. Now that I have had a transplant and am feeling as 'normal' as I have ever felt I feel that I have missed out on the experiences that people are supposed to go through in their late teens early twenties.I basically think that when it comes to asking girls out I am afraid of rejection and that if this happens it will be because of CF regardless of whether she knows about it or not. I have the same feeling when I go to job interviews.I keep telling myself that after all I've been through this should be esay but it isn't.

 

[anonymous]

Haha. Your worries are not isolated to CF people. Most people are nervous about the opposite sex. The main thing is self confidence. You have to be happy with yourself, then everything else will fall into place.I am 24 right now, and just got engaged last year. My fiance has been great and supportive. Just believe in yourself.=)

 

[anonymous]

I'm glad you're doing well post transplant! You are still young & although you feel that you've missed out the last couple of years, you still have plenty of time at your age to be young & enjoy life. Just remember to make good choices in regards to your post transplant care.First of all, I don't know if you come from a small community where everyone knows you have CF or not, but if this is not the case, you don't have to tell everyone you date about your CF. I never did until it got to a more serious level and almost everyone still stuck around after I told them that.As far as jobs, I never mentioned my CF up front either, unless I thought it would interfere w/ my job. Although I normally don't cough excessively, etc, so it isn't real obvious that I have CF. Even if you do mention CF, they technically can't discriminate any way.Grab life by the horns! You've been given a new beginning w/ your new lungs! I hope someday that transplant will work well for me if needed. God Bless<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

Hi I'm 23 with cf and I never tell nobody that I have it there are still some girls out there that I went out with that still don't know. I think at a young age if you tell her right out of the gate they will scare but if they get to know you and not your cf in a few short months if you think it is going well take her to dinner and after words some place queit and tell her if she likes you theres nothing that will scare her away thats what I've done in the past and I think it works out just fine. con grads on the transplant best of wishs

 

[AbsintheSorrow]

Hi hi. I have some of the same problems. I've dated ever since I was 14,15, but I've always had a huge self confidence issue. And yes, some people will turn you away because of the CF. I've had guys seem interested, and after they found out I was sick, they backed off big time. But if people do that, they're imbeciles and not worth your time. I did finally find someone, who loves me despite the CF, and all the crap he knows he'll have to deal with in the future. You will run into shallow shitty people, but if you keep going, you'll find someone who'll love you despite the CF. As far as jobs go, legally they cannot turn you down because of CF, but that will happen too. I worked at a kennel once and had to go into the hospital for a few days for IV meds, and on my first day back, she fired me. Because it was a small business, and had less than 15 employees, I couldn't do shit about it. But legally, by the ADA, if the company has more than 15 employees, they cannot fire you based on your health situation. Not legally anyway. And if they do, you sue their damn pants off. Hope I was of help.-Emily

 

[anonymous]

Hi.Just to let you know that a friend of mine - 26 - with CF has been in a wonderful relationship for seven years.

 

[RadChevy]

Andrew, Congrats on the new lungs!!!! Isn't it great!~~~ I am now 6.5 years post lung tx and my sister is 3 years!!! Doing great and like you, very busy in life.Everyone has a fear of rejection, so don't feel that CF is all to blame for that. After all, you and I know that rejection of the lungs is also a fear we don't want to happen.Being busy in life will expose you to a variety of people, who have different values, morals, ideas, plans, goals. That is a good start. Maybe enroll in college, get a part time job. Join a sports club, or a volleyball team. The members will become friends and then more social events will occur. You don't have to date or marry the first person you meet. Have fun, enjoy and see what life is all about and what you want in life. You are young and have the time now with your new lungs.Are you going to the transplant games in July? A great time and there will be a lung gathering as well.Please feel free to email me anytime.Joanne Schumluckylungsforjo@aol.comJoanne M. SchumCystic FibrosisBi-lateral Lung Transplant RecipientSeptember 12, 1997University of North Carolina Hospitals Chapel HillResidence: Upstate New Yorkemail: luckylungsforjo@aol.comManager of: Transplant Support - Lung, Heart/Lung, Hearthttp://groups.msn.com/TransplantSupportLungHeartLungHeart"Taking Flight - Inspirational Stories of Lung Transplantation" Compiled by Joanne SchumAuthored by lung recipients around the worldhttp://www.trafford.com/robots/02-0497.htmlhttp://www.trafford.com/

 

[anonymous]

Hello everyone,Have you ever notice that this tends to be an issue with almost all cf patients. There is hope and someone out there for you. This person will not be affraid that you are sick and have this disease. Take the plug and ask anyone out. When you feel comfortable then let them know. If it is meant to be, they will stay. I am proud to say I have been married to me husband, with cf, for 11 years. Every once in awhile he thinks I will leave, but I am will stay with him for the rest of his live.Sandra <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

I USED TO BE LIKE THAT ,BUT THINK OF IT THIS WAY.YOU HAVE TO ASK!!!!EVERY GIRL YOU THINK ABOUT ASKING AND YOU DON'T IS A MISSED OPPURTUNITY TO SOMETHING GREAT.HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF,YOU'VE BEEN THREW HELL AND BACK.YOUR A GOOD PERSON.IF SHE SAYS NO,SAY OH WELL YOUR LOSS!!!!!!!!!THEN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE.ALSO DO YOU HAVE ANY FEMALE FREINDS?THATS ALWAYS A GOOD START TO A RELATIONSHIP!THEY KNOW YOU YOU KNOW THEM,ETC!GET YOUR CONFIDENCE TOGETHER AND START ASKING!!!!!!!!!!STAY POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!CHRIS

 

[Bestangelface]

I would just like to offer a view from the other end of the spectrum. Although I do not have CF, I do live with the disease every day as much as somoneone could besides having CF itself. My husband of almost 6 months (but a very important gift to my life for about 3 years) has CF. He is the most special person I have ever met and continues to be a blessing since we me. I must admit that I did not know anything about CF before meeting him but have learned all that I can since then. I know in talking with him he expressed the same fears that he would have always been alone and never get to share his life with a woman or to get married which he has always wanted. From my side, it is a hard thing to see what he goes through and be a part of and I was terrified when he first started telling me about the disease. But like with everyone else, you have to put yourself on the line when meeting new people and the chance that they may not like you is there. But at the same time, there is a chance that one person could be the one to see past the CF andsee the great person that you are and all that you have to offer. I know as far as my life, I would never trade Bryan for the world and told him I would do it all over again just to have him in my life. I wish you all the best for finding that special person too. Angel <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[Andrew]

I would like to thank everyone for offering advice. I basically know what I have to do it is just about breaking years of thinking negatively about myself. It has been really good reading about people who have/had similar issues (not just this one) to myself. Shall keep you all posted on how things are going.P.S. Joanne - I'm actually from Australia so I won't be going to the Games in July.hopeandrew@hotmail.com

 

[anonymous]

<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0"> Hi, I am a 36 yr young female with CF. Diagnosed at 3 yrs young. Once I started dating I told the guys what I had and what it was. If they understood and they stuck around then good for me, they were a keeper if they stayed. If they had questions I would try to answer to the best of my knowledge or would try to find more info to educate them the best that I could. Now that I am older and somewhat wiser, I tell everyone and everybody that I have CF, it's a part of me and a part of my life and if they want to be part of it too they need to know that CF is part of me too. Most/some ppl that I tell say "aren't you supposed to be dead?", I say that was then this is now! Alot of ppl out there in the world still need to be "educated" about CF. I am now living with a man who might be a carrier of the gene (his sister is), but we won't know he is unless I get pregnant(whether that happens too, who knows). So if you do find yourself that special someone...tell them right away, don't delay cause then they'll think your lying to them for some reason. Tell them up front NO SECRETS is the best way to start a relationship, if they understand or ask questions then they want to stay with you....I ahve a had a few men leave because they didn't want to "deal" with it. Well they are not the ones that has to "deal" with anything....so to speak. So the best to you and congrats with the transplant and good luck. I hope you find Mrs. Right!TTYL

 

[Bestangelface]

My husband also told me right up front when we started dating which I really appreciated. The hardest part for me was the dreaded statistics and the medican age and all that. I actually used to get hung up on that and would get myself so upset to think that I found this great man and I felt like I was going to lose him. I did talk with him about this and he said that he values every day we have together and he is determined that he is going to keep himself healthy as best as he can. I have a milloin and two questions that I have asked over the course of the time we have been together, He is great about answering everyone. My intent is not to classify him as CF with all my questions, but to learn everything I can about what he needs to do to take the best care of himself. We met online when he was in the hospital and met in person the day after he was discharged. The hardest things was when he was admitted to the hospital the first time. I cried almost every day and drove the 2 hours to Philadelphia to visit with him. When he used to be admitted to the hospital at least a few times a year, he has been out of the hospital from February 2002 through January of this year. Since he now goes to a care center only 45 minutes from home it was an easier commute and not quite as hard of an admission (but I still cired a little). He attributes being healthy to me (which I will take some credit for since I am a nag about making sure he does his meds) but I think he is just taking better care of himself since now he feels he has a lot more to his life. I know he has given me a lot more to fight for and a whole lot more to my life then he could ever really know.

 

[anonymous]

Andrew,Many people have good advice to give. I would take them all to heart. My perspective comes from having a relationship with a 29yr old with CF. Any relationship is hard in and of itself. When illness is brought into the picture it can be viewed harshly. After much heartache, thoughts, prayer and so much more I have come to the conclusion that a relationship is like anything else in life. It is what you make of it, only you can decide how much or how little you put into it. I wouldn't worry so much about the CF part. It is a part of you and your life and it makes you you. Any person who is understanding will understand that. I believe that special people come into your life for reasons. At the right time, in the right place. I just happened to be at the right time at the right place when I met this wonderful man in my life. It's not easy, but like I said it is what you make of it. Hope this helps.God Bless.Michellemissmem@juno.com

 

[anonymous]

G'day Andrew!!Fellow Aussie!!!!I am 28 in a long tem relationship with my darling man. Having to tell someone you have Cf sux but I have grown up in a small town and most people knew already. I moved to the top end 4 years ago and now people are really surprised that I have Cf. Hey, if you met someone who told you they had an illness, eg diabetes, would you, as a healthy person, leave them because of that? That's what I thought. Live life and the more you forget about cf, the less important it becomes as part of your relationship, or so I have found.Good luck in Miss Wonderful falling in your lap.Cindy<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">