B*TCH mother in law

[shauna]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and his mum hated me from day one. She told me from the start I wasn't good enough for his son and that I was only ever going to be a burden to him.

Lately things have just been getting worse and it's really putting a strain on our relationship.

She's said things to me like "you can't be with him and have kids and then die and have them dumped on me." "He can't go out and live a normal life because of the restictions you place on him" "you are so selfish to want to ruin his life to have it better for yourself."

At first it hurt me but now it just makes me angry and there's nothing we can do to prove to her that what we have is true love and nothing will come between it.

Lately we've been talking marriage and she is the one thing that is making me reluctant which just sucks.

I don't know what to do and don't know what more I can say to her but I just wanted to have a whinge about it because she is just driving me crazy!

He hates what she is doing but she's his mum and he loves her and I don't want to be the thing that comes between them.

I just don't know what to do!!!!!!

 

[anonymous]

Wow Tia,
Those are some really hatefull things for her to say, and I thought my mother-in-law was bad.

Sometimes she really sticks her foot in her mouth, I try not to complain about her too much to my husband because I know he will tell her off in a heart beat. He does love his mother, but I always come first.

I guess my thought is maybe your boyfriend needs to stand up to her, until he does she may continue to disrespect you and your relationship with him.

Has he ever told her how hurtfull it is for her to say things like that? Or to mind her own business, he is not a child?

I honestly don't think I could take it if I were in your situation, I just think the man you love should stand up for you no matter what, or who. But, it is amazing the hold a mother can have on her son. I don't know if you ever watch the sitcom <i>Everybody Loves Raymond </i>but I always wonder why Debra doesn't just move to another country to escape her overbearing mother-in-law.lol

I hope things get better for you, and I'm so sorry you ever had to hear those things, how awful. How can people be so cruel???????????

Until I came to this forum I never realized people could be so rude and heartless towards people with a severe disease, and the really scary part is that most of the people are family. What is wrong with people today????
Jen

 

[65rosessamurai]

Tia,
It is sad how mother-in-laws (Easily abbr. as MIL) don't seem to posess the concept that thier children have a life of thier own to live.
I have one STU*** B***H of a MIL (Just in case this wording is cencored) who is very, very selfish, and senile on top of it. (She can't remember past five minutes most the time)
My predicament happened after marriage, which couldn't be helped, but has been being handled.
I would suggest two things to see if it makes any improvement.
1. Clearly state to your future husband the fact that unless the mother in law situation isn't cleared up, that marriage is going to be a difficult thing to decide on.
2. Consider the possibility of living as far away from the MIL as possible (Live closer to your own parents, if possible)

I would have to state that there is an apparent difference between the relationship between the guy's mother and his wife, as compared to the gal's mother and her husband. Most cases in Japan, the daughter never gets along with the MIL, so it may be no different in any other culture (including in the U.S.).
I do agree with Jen, your future husband DOES have to stand up for you, because YOU are now his main priority.
Though some guys may have a problem with standing up to their own parents, it is a learning experience which tells them they are now adults, and their parents should treat them as such.
It had taken me a while to realize that, but I didn't have the same problems, either. However, during some experiences, I had learned that lesson.
I hope this is additional information to help you with your problem.
Good luck.

 

[coltsfan715]

Tia,
I am so sorry that is awful that your mother in law is being that way toward you.
I think Jen is right too, maybe your boyfriend needs to stand up to her for you. Has he sat down with her and told her his feelings for you? and how it may not be ideal for her ... but she is NOT the one that has chosen to be with you HE HAS? I think sometimes people looking in from the outside of a relationship involving a CFer think OMG at how hard it will be or how can they commit knowing what might happen. They can't realize that when people are in love with one another they will go through anything just to be with that person because nothing could be as bad as not having your true love in your life.

I really hope things work out for you. You will be in my thoughts <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">.

take care,
Lindsey

 

[shauna]

Oh he DOES stick up for me and they've had so many fights over it I've lost count! Just had to clear that up...but no matter how many times he tells her, she can't get it through her head.

 

[JazzysMom]

There has to be something he is saying/doing that makes her think that his words are bogus. Either that or she is very persistant. Every parent (well almost every one) wants what is best for their child. Often times this concept gets mixed up when it comes to happiness versus ideal circumstances. Is it ideal that he might lose you early or have children to raise on his own....HELL NO! BUT if it makes him happy during that time, that should be THE most important factor. My Mom was dead set against my pregnancy & we didnt talk thru most of it. She had me dead/buried & her raising my child (evidentally my hubby was going to be running away from his responsibility). It didnt matter what I wanted or how I felt. She had her thoughts & that was it......Fortunately things have changed for me! I never had the MIL issues. Both my husbands parents were dead before meeting them. I have had ex wives & step kids tho & dont think they didnt have their opinions! All I can say is keep making sure your & your guy are on the same page.....Together you can get thru it!

 

[anonymous]

Well, Good that he does stand up for you, can't see why that doesn't shut her up though.

One thing I'd like to say is, don't give her any power. If you tell your boyfriend if he doesn't get this under control you can't stay in a relationship with him, then that will probably get back to her, as he may blame her for the problems ya'll are having. And this makes her powerful, because she has successfully caused you to consider leaving. No matter what, DON'T GIVE HER THAT POWER!! Once she knows she has it, it's all down hill from there. Though it may be very hard, try to ignore her for a while, render her powerless.

Jen

 

[anonymous]

I'd just avoid her at all costs. Stop attending family events she's going to attend. Get caller ID to screen phone calls. Don't let yourself be alone with this person, refuse to talk to her. She'd a non-issue and pretend she doesn't exist. Easier said than done, but maybe she'll move onto a new target if she doesn't have you to abuse.

Before I got married, I had a future SIL problem. We lived in the same town and she would make up crazy stories about us -- she told other family members that we would come to their house and steal their food, etc. DH was told he could do laundry there -- but he'd always call first and a lot of times he'd babysit for his nieces. She made me so nervous 'cuz she'd tell these wild stories and everyone thought she was this perfect woman, mom -- so religous... She caught me alone once at a family function at their house and was asking about dh's parents financia situation and making wild accusations, and I didn't say a word, just excused myself and told DH quietly it was time to leave. I was putting on my jacket upstairs, not realizing that she'd followed us and DH asked me what was wrong and I was just about crying -- I whisper she was a bitch and oooops, she overheard and came flying at me screaming all these accusations. I ran outside to the car and said just stay away from me you crazy bitch. By the time we got home DH's brother had called and informed DH that I was no longer welcome at their home because I'd attacked her.

For over 10 years, DH and I avoided any and all events that SIL attended 'cuz we were so afraid of what she'd accuse us of. Day before our wedding I received a letter in the mail from the psycho quoting the bible and forgiving DH for ever getting involved we me.

Eventually it all came out in the wash. My BIL moved out 'cuz of his crazy wife and little by little other family members came up with similar stories. I still get a little annoyed with my MIL & FIL who chose the psycho-b over their own flesh and blood. But we derive great pleasure in saying "it told you so" when they complain.

Liza

 

[Jane]

This is a great topic to discuss, but not such a great one to live with. We've had a couple of other similar threads about this (from Lynsey in families and in Jennifer in adults). The bottom line is that some people are just plain insensitive. They are mean and they don't know it, so they won't change. Its like an alcoholic. He (or she) won't stop drinking because he doesn't think its a problem. Even if you told him it bothers you, it wouldn't matter because he just won't acknowledge it.

In my case, its not my M-IL its my own M! She says any hateful thing she wants and when we respond, she gets mad because she thinks we're critizing HER. Most of the time you just can't win in these situations. We've learned to avoid blow-ups or when they happen, lay low for a while. It works for us.

Your boyfriend's mom of course is doing what she thinks is best for her son, which is admirable. But her idea of what's best doesn't match yours. He's an adult now so he should learn to listen to her opinion, but then make his own decisions.

Do the best you can for YOU and your relationship together. Its not easy, but you have to stick together. Counseling might help you with strategies.

Good luck!

 

[EnergyGal]

Wow I thought I was the only one lol
Welcome to the REAL World of MIL. I have had my share with mine too. I just try and not pick on every word she says and try and consider the source. I realize when I get upset it only hurts me so I try not to let what she says bother me. I focus on other things.

Jen, you give some really good advice. I am going to rememeber this the next time.

Lately, my MIL is being very nice to me. She knows we are married now and there is nothing that she can do.

To Shauna, I would be strict with your boyfriend if you feel this woman is really causing problems for you. Your boyfriend is obviously use to a strong Mother figure so he will be able to handle a strong wife figure. I would tell him to see his mom on his own. Avoid her like the plague.

Take care until the next MIL post

 

[JohnnaMarie]

Shauna:

My experience is not as extreme as yours.....When I met my husband he was living with his grandmother. She had been widowed for some years and he was the last of the ones she had raised. She did not like me and tried to talk my husband out of marrying me. I was not good enough, not trustworthy, I am gonna be all alone. Any angle she could come up with she tried with him. She never did like me and was always trying to find fault with me. She felt that if we got married she would be all alone and that is why she chose to view me as the enemy. My husband did not listen to her or let her get into his head..at least not too much. He married me about 9 months after we met. We have been marrried about five years now. The grandmother has started to accept me finally. Those women that are in law relatives sure have an issue accepting people if they don't feel they are perfect enough for their precious family member. I know she has used the "she is not that healthy" line with him more than once. It is a long annoying road yes.......But, you have to remember to just not let that person be a focal point in your life. They love to be real pains if they can put you and your loved one at odds it just gives them satisfaction. Don't let their negative energy get to you. They are not worth it. Your man chose you. They don't have the right to interfere.

 

[Seana30]

My step-mother-in law CAN NOT STAND ME. To make it worse my husband and her run a family business together!

My hubby finally told her that the topic of me was off limits. If she tries to talk about me, he immediately stops her and tells her he does not want to hear it. After awhile she finally just stopped trying to tell him bad things about me.

I am sorry you are going through this Tia. It puts a relationship through such stress! You hang in there!!

Seana

 

[anonymous]

Did you ever ask her, what she would think and do, if her son had cf? Or if he would have an accident, sitting in a wheelchair afterwars, would she say: "Leave him, now he can´t give you children anymore, he is selfish, if he wants a girlfriend like healthy people"
Maybe she never thought about beeing on the other side and how easily something like that coud happen...

Uli,43,Germany

 

[thelizardqueen]

It sucks that you're in this kind of relationship with his mother, but I have to agree with everyone else - your boyfriend has to stand up to his mother. Its not her relationship or life - its you and your boyfriends relationship.

 

[Emily65Roses]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>shauna</b></i>
He hates what she is doing but she's his mum and he loves her and I don't want to be the thing that comes between them.</end quote></div>

You're not the one coming between anyone. She's the one that's being overbearing, narrowminded, and rude. She's the one creating problems. If she could just chill the hell out, you guys would be fine. So don't let her attitude talk you out of getting married.

Allie will tell you more than I, if she feels like it. But let's just say her mother is VERY MUCH like your boyfriend's mom sounds about Ry. She told Allie not to marry him, blah blah. Allie married him anyway, and never regretted it for a second. Her mother is still a b*tch about it, and Allie still sticks up for him.

It sucks that these people are putting you in this type of position, but don't let it rule your life. Do what <b>YOU</b> want.

 

[Allie]

My mother is the high queen of b*tchery. IF there were a United Nations of B*itches, my mom would be the head. She hated Ry, for a bunch of trumped up reason, but mainly this: He had CF.

She told him to let me go, so I can find some one who can take care of me, when I excitedly told her we were engaged. When we excitedly told her we were adopting she said "You know, she won't remember you". My mother took every opportunity to tear down Ry she could find, and he was never anything but a sweetheart to her. When Ry was getting very ill, she said "At least Ahava is young enough she'll bond to whoever Alexandria marries as her new dad"

After he died, she told me "I told you this would happen if you married that boy". And now that he's gone, she constantly tries to get me to date and remarry.

I hate that woman. Sorry, I'm ranting. But you're not alone. And I loved Ry, and mom being a total witch about him did not change that. I imagine it's the same for your love, he loves you even if his mom is horrid about it.

 

[Jane]

Allie,

I'm so sorry for your situation. Of all people who should be supporting you its your mom. She's missing out.

Jane

 

[JennifersHope]

Hi,

I am sorry that your MIL said those things to you. I honestly am amazed by the things that come out of ppls mouths sometimes.. (mine included)...

Over the past few days I have made a real effort to really listen to what ppl are saying when they talk and I am so dumbfounded at the insensitivity of people....

I don't have any good things to say to make her stop, but I can relate to you if that helps..

Thinking of you,

Jennifer

 

[Faust]

Try drinking more often (if your health permits), it helps with crappy extended relatives. If not, the second option is: Kill her, claim insanity duress, and we all get to be interviewed and this site gets more exposure!


(of course the second option won't be good for you in the long run, but hey, atleast i'll get on tv <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> )

 

[65rosessamurai]

My mother-in-law is the "Terror-Bear" of the land!!! She's selfish, self-centered, unreliable, stubborn, thinks what she is doing is right, despite what anyone (and everyone) says, and never practices what she preaches.
One possible problem in your situation is that what his mother is saying, is what she thinks is right, and there is nothing that will change it. (rare cases is to prove her wrong in the long run, or some important event changes her way of thinking)
I can also relate to your situation, I've had a few instances of "heated arguments" at one in the morning with the mother-in-law, but all was in vain because she forgot about it the next morning! I lost total respect for her, but because she lives in the same house, I have to figure out ways to deal with it. (Usually outsmarting dat wascawy tewabew das da twick!)
FOR EXAMPLE...the kitchen is small enough as it is, but there is an extra chair which happens to be in front of the heater. The mother-in-law kept pulling the chair away from the table so she can have the heater blow on her feet while she's sitting at the table, watching TV and eating her 20 banana's a day! Every time she pulls the chair out, and leaves it out, it ends up in front of the garbage can, which is in a corner, next to the counter and sink. Well, after several times of telling her to put the chair back when she's done, and several times of having to do it myself, I got fed up with it all yesterday, and TAPED the chair to the floor!!! I came home that evening to find the chair in it's rightfull spot!!
Well, I also discovered that laughter is one of the best medicines, so I've come up with some pretty good Mother-in-law Jokes!! Difference is, I can tell the joke and mean it!!