cf depression

maelstrom · Apr 26, 2009

[warning: this is long, and a bummer post, so avoid it if you're not up for heavy stuff]

my husband of 2 years (who has cf) has suffered from depression for a long time but he seems to be able to manage it - though mostly through denial, ie "not thinking about it". it was pretty bad about a year and a half ago but it's seemed to be better for awhile now. but, he has been pretty distant and that's caused some frustration in our marriage.

today I got upset with his being distant and it led to a fight. He started saying some pretty hurtful things. like, he thought it was a mistake to get married because he doesn't think he can handle the work that marriage involves. and that he's happier on his own.

I tried asking him for examples of why he didn't think he was good at it, and tried pointing out that everyone finds it harder than expected (which is why there are so many divorces after the first year), and tried reminding him of all the fun we have together - including recent times (like, last night when we were out with friends). he said he can't remember any of the good stuff - that it got lost in the "black hole of his memory".

the things he was saying about not remembering good things, and that he's a failure at marriage, made me ask him if it was his depression talking - because I know depression makes you focus on negatives, and think that you're a failure at everything. he said he's always depressed. I tried talking to him about it, trying to help him get out of it. He said he thinks he likes being depressed. then he totally withdrew into this state where he refuses to talk to me and now he's locked in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if maybe the whole thing where he "wants to be depressed" is b/c of CF - ie he's afraid of dying early so in a way being depressed is a defense mechanism. if you're depressed and then you die, it's not that bad... dying sucks more when you're loving life. and I was just wondering if people here have felt something similar. and more importantly, if anyone has suggestions to help him. I did call my therapist (yeah... I see a therapist, he refuses to do the same though) to get her thoughts but being sunday afternoon I'm not expecting her to call back.

I really want to help him. At the same time, the things he said were so hurtful. And it makes me wonder if I'm stupid to try so hard for him when he is ready to give up on us. I'm really hurting right now... any words of advice would be appreciated. thanks.

maelstrom · Apr 26, 2009

[warning: this is long, and a bummer post, so avoid it if you're not up for heavy stuff]

my husband of 2 years (who has cf) has suffered from depression for a long time but he seems to be able to manage it - though mostly through denial, ie "not thinking about it". it was pretty bad about a year and a half ago but it's seemed to be better for awhile now. but, he has been pretty distant and that's caused some frustration in our marriage.

today I got upset with his being distant and it led to a fight. He started saying some pretty hurtful things. like, he thought it was a mistake to get married because he doesn't think he can handle the work that marriage involves. and that he's happier on his own.

I tried asking him for examples of why he didn't think he was good at it, and tried pointing out that everyone finds it harder than expected (which is why there are so many divorces after the first year), and tried reminding him of all the fun we have together - including recent times (like, last night when we were out with friends). he said he can't remember any of the good stuff - that it got lost in the "black hole of his memory".

the things he was saying about not remembering good things, and that he's a failure at marriage, made me ask him if it was his depression talking - because I know depression makes you focus on negatives, and think that you're a failure at everything. he said he's always depressed. I tried talking to him about it, trying to help him get out of it. He said he thinks he likes being depressed. then he totally withdrew into this state where he refuses to talk to me and now he's locked in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if maybe the whole thing where he "wants to be depressed" is b/c of CF - ie he's afraid of dying early so in a way being depressed is a defense mechanism. if you're depressed and then you die, it's not that bad... dying sucks more when you're loving life. and I was just wondering if people here have felt something similar. and more importantly, if anyone has suggestions to help him. I did call my therapist (yeah... I see a therapist, he refuses to do the same though) to get her thoughts but being sunday afternoon I'm not expecting her to call back.

I really want to help him. At the same time, the things he said were so hurtful. And it makes me wonder if I'm stupid to try so hard for him when he is ready to give up on us. I'm really hurting right now... any words of advice would be appreciated. thanks.

maelstrom · Apr 26, 2009

[warning: this is long, and a bummer post, so avoid it if you're not up for heavy stuff]

my husband of 2 years (who has cf) has suffered from depression for a long time but he seems to be able to manage it - though mostly through denial, ie "not thinking about it". it was pretty bad about a year and a half ago but it's seemed to be better for awhile now. but, he has been pretty distant and that's caused some frustration in our marriage.

today I got upset with his being distant and it led to a fight. He started saying some pretty hurtful things. like, he thought it was a mistake to get married because he doesn't think he can handle the work that marriage involves. and that he's happier on his own.

I tried asking him for examples of why he didn't think he was good at it, and tried pointing out that everyone finds it harder than expected (which is why there are so many divorces after the first year), and tried reminding him of all the fun we have together - including recent times (like, last night when we were out with friends). he said he can't remember any of the good stuff - that it got lost in the "black hole of his memory".

the things he was saying about not remembering good things, and that he's a failure at marriage, made me ask him if it was his depression talking - because I know depression makes you focus on negatives, and think that you're a failure at everything. he said he's always depressed. I tried talking to him about it, trying to help him get out of it. He said he thinks he likes being depressed. then he totally withdrew into this state where he refuses to talk to me and now he's locked in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if maybe the whole thing where he "wants to be depressed" is b/c of CF - ie he's afraid of dying early so in a way being depressed is a defense mechanism. if you're depressed and then you die, it's not that bad... dying sucks more when you're loving life. and I was just wondering if people here have felt something similar. and more importantly, if anyone has suggestions to help him. I did call my therapist (yeah... I see a therapist, he refuses to do the same though) to get her thoughts but being sunday afternoon I'm not expecting her to call back.

I really want to help him. At the same time, the things he said were so hurtful. And it makes me wonder if I'm stupid to try so hard for him when he is ready to give up on us. I'm really hurting right now... any words of advice would be appreciated. thanks.

maelstrom · Apr 26, 2009

[warning: this is long, and a bummer post, so avoid it if you're not up for heavy stuff]

my husband of 2 years (who has cf) has suffered from depression for a long time but he seems to be able to manage it - though mostly through denial, ie "not thinking about it". it was pretty bad about a year and a half ago but it's seemed to be better for awhile now. but, he has been pretty distant and that's caused some frustration in our marriage.

today I got upset with his being distant and it led to a fight. He started saying some pretty hurtful things. like, he thought it was a mistake to get married because he doesn't think he can handle the work that marriage involves. and that he's happier on his own.

I tried asking him for examples of why he didn't think he was good at it, and tried pointing out that everyone finds it harder than expected (which is why there are so many divorces after the first year), and tried reminding him of all the fun we have together - including recent times (like, last night when we were out with friends). he said he can't remember any of the good stuff - that it got lost in the "black hole of his memory".

the things he was saying about not remembering good things, and that he's a failure at marriage, made me ask him if it was his depression talking - because I know depression makes you focus on negatives, and think that you're a failure at everything. he said he's always depressed. I tried talking to him about it, trying to help him get out of it. He said he thinks he likes being depressed. then he totally withdrew into this state where he refuses to talk to me and now he's locked in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if maybe the whole thing where he "wants to be depressed" is b/c of CF - ie he's afraid of dying early so in a way being depressed is a defense mechanism. if you're depressed and then you die, it's not that bad... dying sucks more when you're loving life. and I was just wondering if people here have felt something similar. and more importantly, if anyone has suggestions to help him. I did call my therapist (yeah... I see a therapist, he refuses to do the same though) to get her thoughts but being sunday afternoon I'm not expecting her to call back.

I really want to help him. At the same time, the things he said were so hurtful. And it makes me wonder if I'm stupid to try so hard for him when he is ready to give up on us. I'm really hurting right now... any words of advice would be appreciated. thanks.

maelstrom · Apr 26, 2009

[warning: this is long, and a bummer post, so avoid it if you're not up for heavy stuff]
 
 my husband of 2 years (who has cf) has suffered from depression for a long time but he seems to be able to manage it - though mostly through denial, ie "not thinking about it". it was pretty bad about a year and a half ago but it's seemed to be better for awhile now. but, he has been pretty distant and that's caused some frustration in our marriage.
 
 today I got upset with his being distant and it led to a fight. He started saying some pretty hurtful things. like, he thought it was a mistake to get married because he doesn't think he can handle the work that marriage involves. and that he's happier on his own.
 
 I tried asking him for examples of why he didn't think he was good at it, and tried pointing out that everyone finds it harder than expected (which is why there are so many divorces after the first year), and tried reminding him of all the fun we have together - including recent times (like, last night when we were out with friends). he said he can't remember any of the good stuff - that it got lost in the "black hole of his memory".
 
 the things he was saying about not remembering good things, and that he's a failure at marriage, made me ask him if it was his depression talking - because I know depression makes you focus on negatives, and think that you're a failure at everything. he said he's always depressed. I tried talking to him about it, trying to help him get out of it. He said he thinks he likes being depressed. then he totally withdrew into this state where he refuses to talk to me and now he's locked in the bathroom.
 
 I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if maybe the whole thing where he "wants to be depressed" is b/c of CF - ie he's afraid of dying early so in a way being depressed is a defense mechanism. if you're depressed and then you die, it's not that bad... dying sucks more when you're loving life. and I was just wondering if people here have felt something similar. and more importantly, if anyone has suggestions to help him. I did call my therapist (yeah... I see a therapist, he refuses to do the same though) to get her thoughts but being sunday afternoon I'm not expecting her to call back.
 
 I really want to help him. At the same time, the things he said were so hurtful. And it makes me wonder if I'm stupid to try so hard for him when he is ready to give up on us. I'm really hurting right now... any words of advice would be appreciated. thanks.

saveferris2009 · Apr 26, 2009

There are psychologist that specialize in terminal illnesses - it might be a good idea to have him speak to someone like that. perhaps your social worker at your CF center can refer you.

It's sad that there isn't more talk about mental health and CFer's - the physical can be so demanding but the mental aspect is important to pay attention to, as you mentioned.

there are tools and skills that can be learned to cope. hopefully he'll be willing.

cf is a pretty ugly disease, but it doesn't have to be all bad all the time.

take care

saveferris2009 · Apr 26, 2009

There are psychologist that specialize in terminal illnesses - it might be a good idea to have him speak to someone like that. perhaps your social worker at your CF center can refer you.

It's sad that there isn't more talk about mental health and CFer's - the physical can be so demanding but the mental aspect is important to pay attention to, as you mentioned.

there are tools and skills that can be learned to cope. hopefully he'll be willing.

cf is a pretty ugly disease, but it doesn't have to be all bad all the time.

take care

saveferris2009 · Apr 26, 2009

There are psychologist that specialize in terminal illnesses - it might be a good idea to have him speak to someone like that. perhaps your social worker at your CF center can refer you.

It's sad that there isn't more talk about mental health and CFer's - the physical can be so demanding but the mental aspect is important to pay attention to, as you mentioned.

there are tools and skills that can be learned to cope. hopefully he'll be willing.

cf is a pretty ugly disease, but it doesn't have to be all bad all the time.

take care

saveferris2009 · Apr 26, 2009

There are psychologist that specialize in terminal illnesses - it might be a good idea to have him speak to someone like that. perhaps your social worker at your CF center can refer you.

It's sad that there isn't more talk about mental health and CFer's - the physical can be so demanding but the mental aspect is important to pay attention to, as you mentioned.

there are tools and skills that can be learned to cope. hopefully he'll be willing.

cf is a pretty ugly disease, but it doesn't have to be all bad all the time.

take care

saveferris2009 · Apr 26, 2009

There are psychologist that specialize in terminal illnesses - it might be a good idea to have him speak to someone like that. perhaps your social worker at your CF center can refer you.
 
 It's sad that there isn't more talk about mental health and CFer's - the physical can be so demanding but the mental aspect is important to pay attention to, as you mentioned.
 
 there are tools and skills that can be learned to cope. hopefully he'll be willing.
 
 cf is a pretty ugly disease, but it doesn't have to be all bad all the time.
 
 take care

MicheleGazelle · Apr 26, 2009

I don't have any advice. But here are some of my thoughts/experiences, FWIW:
I'm divorced but was married for over 2 decades. One thing I learned in my marriage is that I can't control another person, make them love me, and so on. Something I always told my kids: unconditional love cannot be earned. If it could be, it wouldn't be unconditional. So none of us can earn it or deserve it but we all need it. The only thing you can learn to do is give it and receive it. And it's not easy to be that trusting, accepting, and so on.

I learned to worry only about what was within my own control and stop trying to control other people. That's very tough in a marriage, when everything they do so powerfully affects you. And marriage is not about having fun. My observation has been that it's very problematic when people had a lot of fun dating and then got married with the idea that's what marriage is about. Marriage is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Yes, you need to have positive, enjoyable experiences together to nourish a healthy emotional relationship. But marriage is not about "having fun". It's about sticking together and working it out when there are tough issues facing you. A good marriage requires people to grow up and grow into the role. That takes time.

Good luck with this. I hope you find whatever answers you need very soon.

MicheleGazelle · Apr 26, 2009

I don't have any advice. But here are some of my thoughts/experiences, FWIW:
I'm divorced but was married for over 2 decades. One thing I learned in my marriage is that I can't control another person, make them love me, and so on. Something I always told my kids: unconditional love cannot be earned. If it could be, it wouldn't be unconditional. So none of us can earn it or deserve it but we all need it. The only thing you can learn to do is give it and receive it. And it's not easy to be that trusting, accepting, and so on.

I learned to worry only about what was within my own control and stop trying to control other people. That's very tough in a marriage, when everything they do so powerfully affects you. And marriage is not about having fun. My observation has been that it's very problematic when people had a lot of fun dating and then got married with the idea that's what marriage is about. Marriage is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Yes, you need to have positive, enjoyable experiences together to nourish a healthy emotional relationship. But marriage is not about "having fun". It's about sticking together and working it out when there are tough issues facing you. A good marriage requires people to grow up and grow into the role. That takes time.

Good luck with this. I hope you find whatever answers you need very soon.

MicheleGazelle · Apr 26, 2009

I don't have any advice. But here are some of my thoughts/experiences, FWIW:
I'm divorced but was married for over 2 decades. One thing I learned in my marriage is that I can't control another person, make them love me, and so on. Something I always told my kids: unconditional love cannot be earned. If it could be, it wouldn't be unconditional. So none of us can earn it or deserve it but we all need it. The only thing you can learn to do is give it and receive it. And it's not easy to be that trusting, accepting, and so on.

I learned to worry only about what was within my own control and stop trying to control other people. That's very tough in a marriage, when everything they do so powerfully affects you. And marriage is not about having fun. My observation has been that it's very problematic when people had a lot of fun dating and then got married with the idea that's what marriage is about. Marriage is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Yes, you need to have positive, enjoyable experiences together to nourish a healthy emotional relationship. But marriage is not about "having fun". It's about sticking together and working it out when there are tough issues facing you. A good marriage requires people to grow up and grow into the role. That takes time.

Good luck with this. I hope you find whatever answers you need very soon.

MicheleGazelle · Apr 26, 2009

I don't have any advice. But here are some of my thoughts/experiences, FWIW:
I'm divorced but was married for over 2 decades. One thing I learned in my marriage is that I can't control another person, make them love me, and so on. Something I always told my kids: unconditional love cannot be earned. If it could be, it wouldn't be unconditional. So none of us can earn it or deserve it but we all need it. The only thing you can learn to do is give it and receive it. And it's not easy to be that trusting, accepting, and so on.

I learned to worry only about what was within my own control and stop trying to control other people. That's very tough in a marriage, when everything they do so powerfully affects you. And marriage is not about having fun. My observation has been that it's very problematic when people had a lot of fun dating and then got married with the idea that's what marriage is about. Marriage is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Yes, you need to have positive, enjoyable experiences together to nourish a healthy emotional relationship. But marriage is not about "having fun". It's about sticking together and working it out when there are tough issues facing you. A good marriage requires people to grow up and grow into the role. That takes time.

Good luck with this. I hope you find whatever answers you need very soon.

MicheleGazelle · Apr 26, 2009

I don't have any advice. But here are some of my thoughts/experiences, FWIW:
 I'm divorced but was married for over 2 decades. One thing I learned in my marriage is that I can't control another person, make them love me, and so on. Something I always told my kids: unconditional love cannot be earned. If it could be, it wouldn't be unconditional. So none of us can earn it or deserve it but we all need it. The only thing you can learn to do is give it and receive it. And it's not easy to be that trusting, accepting, and so on.
 
 I learned to worry only about what was within my own control and stop trying to control other people. That's very tough in a marriage, when everything they do so powerfully affects you. And marriage is not about having fun. My observation has been that it's very problematic when people had a lot of fun dating and then got married with the idea that's what marriage is about. Marriage is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Yes, you need to have positive, enjoyable experiences together to nourish a healthy emotional relationship. But marriage is not about "having fun". It's about sticking together and working it out when there are tough issues facing you. A good marriage requires people to grow up and grow into the role. That takes time.
 
 Good luck with this. I hope you find whatever answers you need very soon.

Anglerette · Apr 27, 2009

Michele, your post deserves applause and should be sent to every person interested in any long term relationship. I am not married but my fiance and I have lived together for several years and it is so much fun but we have lived through a yearlong ordeal involving a harrowing organ transplant in the immediate family, death in the immediate family, hurricanes and evacuation, financial troubles, job problems, starting out our relationship 1200 miles away from each other, we've been through a lot in our few years together and we've certainly learned that a true, lasting relationship is a lot of work. Though we are still "our own people," we also very much operate as a team and think as a team. I think this is very important in a long term relationship.

Maelstrom, your hubby must himself want to be helped in order to make a difference for himself. Even if he agrees to go to therapy, if he mentally digs in his heels, nothing will happen. This is the harsh truth when it comes to people who have issues/habits/etc that should be changed for the better. Besides therapy, is he willing to try any sort of medication? Personally, I cannot stand therapists so if I were in the need then I would vote for pills. I've tried a therapist once and I could not take it seriously.

I'm sure he's in a whirlwind of emotions but as he is in a committed, long term relationship, he needs to think of this relationship and remember that his decisions affect you. He really does need to grow up and understand that accepting help does not make him weak; rather, it will mean he is strong and brave as it does take courage to realize when we must swallow our pride, face our fears, and take the outreached hand.

I really hope things work out. Remember to take care of yourself as well.

Anglerette · Apr 27, 2009

Michele, your post deserves applause and should be sent to every person interested in any long term relationship. I am not married but my fiance and I have lived together for several years and it is so much fun but we have lived through a yearlong ordeal involving a harrowing organ transplant in the immediate family, death in the immediate family, hurricanes and evacuation, financial troubles, job problems, starting out our relationship 1200 miles away from each other, we've been through a lot in our few years together and we've certainly learned that a true, lasting relationship is a lot of work. Though we are still "our own people," we also very much operate as a team and think as a team. I think this is very important in a long term relationship.

Maelstrom, your hubby must himself want to be helped in order to make a difference for himself. Even if he agrees to go to therapy, if he mentally digs in his heels, nothing will happen. This is the harsh truth when it comes to people who have issues/habits/etc that should be changed for the better. Besides therapy, is he willing to try any sort of medication? Personally, I cannot stand therapists so if I were in the need then I would vote for pills. I've tried a therapist once and I could not take it seriously.

I'm sure he's in a whirlwind of emotions but as he is in a committed, long term relationship, he needs to think of this relationship and remember that his decisions affect you. He really does need to grow up and understand that accepting help does not make him weak; rather, it will mean he is strong and brave as it does take courage to realize when we must swallow our pride, face our fears, and take the outreached hand.

I really hope things work out. Remember to take care of yourself as well.

Anglerette · Apr 27, 2009

Michele, your post deserves applause and should be sent to every person interested in any long term relationship. I am not married but my fiance and I have lived together for several years and it is so much fun but we have lived through a yearlong ordeal involving a harrowing organ transplant in the immediate family, death in the immediate family, hurricanes and evacuation, financial troubles, job problems, starting out our relationship 1200 miles away from each other, we've been through a lot in our few years together and we've certainly learned that a true, lasting relationship is a lot of work. Though we are still "our own people," we also very much operate as a team and think as a team. I think this is very important in a long term relationship.

Maelstrom, your hubby must himself want to be helped in order to make a difference for himself. Even if he agrees to go to therapy, if he mentally digs in his heels, nothing will happen. This is the harsh truth when it comes to people who have issues/habits/etc that should be changed for the better. Besides therapy, is he willing to try any sort of medication? Personally, I cannot stand therapists so if I were in the need then I would vote for pills. I've tried a therapist once and I could not take it seriously.

I'm sure he's in a whirlwind of emotions but as he is in a committed, long term relationship, he needs to think of this relationship and remember that his decisions affect you. He really does need to grow up and understand that accepting help does not make him weak; rather, it will mean he is strong and brave as it does take courage to realize when we must swallow our pride, face our fears, and take the outreached hand.

I really hope things work out. Remember to take care of yourself as well.

Anglerette · Apr 27, 2009

Michele, your post deserves applause and should be sent to every person interested in any long term relationship. I am not married but my fiance and I have lived together for several years and it is so much fun but we have lived through a yearlong ordeal involving a harrowing organ transplant in the immediate family, death in the immediate family, hurricanes and evacuation, financial troubles, job problems, starting out our relationship 1200 miles away from each other, we've been through a lot in our few years together and we've certainly learned that a true, lasting relationship is a lot of work. Though we are still "our own people," we also very much operate as a team and think as a team. I think this is very important in a long term relationship.

Maelstrom, your hubby must himself want to be helped in order to make a difference for himself. Even if he agrees to go to therapy, if he mentally digs in his heels, nothing will happen. This is the harsh truth when it comes to people who have issues/habits/etc that should be changed for the better. Besides therapy, is he willing to try any sort of medication? Personally, I cannot stand therapists so if I were in the need then I would vote for pills. I've tried a therapist once and I could not take it seriously.

I'm sure he's in a whirlwind of emotions but as he is in a committed, long term relationship, he needs to think of this relationship and remember that his decisions affect you. He really does need to grow up and understand that accepting help does not make him weak; rather, it will mean he is strong and brave as it does take courage to realize when we must swallow our pride, face our fears, and take the outreached hand.

I really hope things work out. Remember to take care of yourself as well.

Anglerette · Apr 27, 2009

Michele, your post deserves applause and should be sent to every person interested in any long term relationship. I am not married but my fiance and I have lived together for several years and it is so much fun but we have lived through a yearlong ordeal involving a harrowing organ transplant in the immediate family, death in the immediate family, hurricanes and evacuation, financial troubles, job problems, starting out our relationship 1200 miles away from each other, we've been through a lot in our few years together and we've certainly learned that a true, lasting relationship is a lot of work. Though we are still "our own people," we also very much operate as a team and think as a team. I think this is very important in a long term relationship.
 
 Maelstrom, your hubby must himself want to be helped in order to make a difference for himself. Even if he agrees to go to therapy, if he mentally digs in his heels, nothing will happen. This is the harsh truth when it comes to people who have issues/habits/etc that should be changed for the better. Besides therapy, is he willing to try any sort of medication? Personally, I cannot stand therapists so if I were in the need then I would vote for pills. I've tried a therapist once and I could not take it seriously.
 
 I'm sure he's in a whirlwind of emotions but as he is in a committed, long term relationship, he needs to think of this relationship and remember that his decisions affect you. He really does need to grow up and understand that accepting help does not make him weak; rather, it will mean he is strong and brave as it does take courage to realize when we must swallow our pride, face our fears, and take the outreached hand.
 
 I really hope things work out. Remember to take care of yourself as well.

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