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Christian wants kids and it hurts

A

anonymous

New member
Christian,
Not much I can add that the other posters haven't already said. I do welcome you to my forum on msn groups dedicated to the subject of CFers having children.... There are several women in this group (some mothers already, others hoping to become moms someday through whatever means). I hope you will visit us as we share out own experiences and offer support to you. Take care.

Sonia

link to group: <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://groups.msn.com/CFandmotherhood">CFand Motherhood</a>
 
A

anonymous

New member
Christian,
Not much I can add that the other posters haven't already said. I do welcome you to my forum on msn groups dedicated to the subject of CFers having children.... There are several women in this group (some mothers already, others hoping to become moms someday through whatever means). I hope you will visit us as we share out own experiences and offer support to you. Take care.

Sonia

link to group: <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://groups.msn.com/CFandmotherhood">CFand Motherhood</a>
 
E

Emily65Roses

New member
Not exactly the same, but I have a similar thing going on. I want to get married, right now. (I want kids too, but that's a different story for me, because we have to find a way to adopt or afford IVF -- I don't even have the parts to get pregnant anymore). So to compare with the marriage thing... I want to get married and I want to get married right this instant. Haha. Mike and I both are at least two years away from graduating college. I was originally hoping for us to get married in 08. Then last year sometime, Mike told me he wouldn't be ready. That if it wasn't for our unique situation, he wouldn't be getting married until early 30s (he's almost 20 now). As such, he needs a little bit more than 2 years. We're now tentatively planning on 2010. I can live with that, but it sucks. If there was ANY WAY we could afford it now, we would. Mike's hesitation isn't on the commitment or marriage part, because we're already in that place emotionally. What he's afraid of is the moving out on our own, paying for everything, getting a real job part. He says he needs extra time to "get his sh*t together." So I'm allowing him that extra time, but my god it sucks. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

I know I'm a big whiney brat, and should be happy I even have anyone (which, by the way, I am). But with the CF, there's always this feeling of "okay, I really have to do this NOW or I might not get it done." I <b>HATE</b> that feeling. Mike knows that too, he knows CF about as well as I do. He's actually compromising a lot, considering he's moving up a wedding that otherwise he'd be having in roughly 2016 to 2010. But it still sucksssssss. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm just rambling. Hahaha. Anyways, not exactly the same, as I'm not talking about kids yet. But same sort of idea, "getting life started" type stuff, and being stuck waiting due to the men in our lives. Hehe. I don't know what I'm saying, just that you're not alone. If you ever want to talk about this junk, feel free to grab me. My AIM name is the same as this one, and you can always PM me. Mind you, don't think that I've got any kind of solution. I'd just be an ear you could complain to that would understand. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
E

Emily65Roses

New member
Not exactly the same, but I have a similar thing going on. I want to get married, right now. (I want kids too, but that's a different story for me, because we have to find a way to adopt or afford IVF -- I don't even have the parts to get pregnant anymore). So to compare with the marriage thing... I want to get married and I want to get married right this instant. Haha. Mike and I both are at least two years away from graduating college. I was originally hoping for us to get married in 08. Then last year sometime, Mike told me he wouldn't be ready. That if it wasn't for our unique situation, he wouldn't be getting married until early 30s (he's almost 20 now). As such, he needs a little bit more than 2 years. We're now tentatively planning on 2010. I can live with that, but it sucks. If there was ANY WAY we could afford it now, we would. Mike's hesitation isn't on the commitment or marriage part, because we're already in that place emotionally. What he's afraid of is the moving out on our own, paying for everything, getting a real job part. He says he needs extra time to "get his sh*t together." So I'm allowing him that extra time, but my god it sucks. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">

I know I'm a big whiney brat, and should be happy I even have anyone (which, by the way, I am). But with the CF, there's always this feeling of "okay, I really have to do this NOW or I might not get it done." I <b>HATE</b> that feeling. Mike knows that too, he knows CF about as well as I do. He's actually compromising a lot, considering he's moving up a wedding that otherwise he'd be having in roughly 2016 to 2010. But it still sucksssssss. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm just rambling. Hahaha. Anyways, not exactly the same, as I'm not talking about kids yet. But same sort of idea, "getting life started" type stuff, and being stuck waiting due to the men in our lives. Hehe. I don't know what I'm saying, just that you're not alone. If you ever want to talk about this junk, feel free to grab me. My AIM name is the same as this one, and you can always PM me. Mind you, don't think that I've got any kind of solution. I'd just be an ear you could complain to that would understand. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
A

anonymous

New member
We really do have that get "life started" syndrome. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, and I'm not just a selfish impatient, you -know-what.

Well guys, a little more about myself. When I was 5, I was taken from my birth parents, due to their drug use, jail visits, and general physical endangerment of me. Not to mention, I was constantly on the verge of death b/c of my CF and them not caring for me at all. I lived between relatives, friends, neighbors homes for 2 years and got formally adopted by relatives at 7. I was adopted into a home of 8 kids, all my cousins. The situation was a blessing in many ways, but a curse in others. I had hardly any love, and was often treated as a guest, not a daughter. Because of negligence, too many children, and other factors, I was sexually abused by a nurse during one of my hospital stays. I never told anyone. Later at the age of 11 I was again abused sexually by a "family friend" for a year. I never told anyone about him either. My husband, 5 years ago would be the first I'd tell. He gave me the courage to come forward, and be sure to see this man answer for what he did. I soon found out I was one of many many other girls. Years of living in repressed silence can do very bad things to you, emotionally and physically.

My adopted parents were very sad to learn what I told them, but they never talked about it with me. That's just how it was. Unbelievably emotionally repressed and cold. I occasionaly see my birth mother, though I recently decided to cut her out of my life. The emotional pain is too great, and she is not good for me. My father I do not and never will see. He is dangerous, and is carrying out various prison sentences anyway. They are no part of my life now. Yeah, I had to rationally deal with all this in therapy, and sure it was hard but you have to deal with it.

I miraculously met a loving, SANE young man with a family that was truly sent by God for me. When we married, after a few months I finally felt safe enough to get help with all the after effects of everything that happened to me. I also had to accept that carrying the stress of what happened would eventually take a serious toll on my CF. And I couldn't let all the people that hurt me take anything else away from me. It has been a very long road, with lots of work. Tons of work. But, I've made it!

If anyone out there reads this...which is just a small tidbit of my life....and has experienced anything similar or knows someone going through anything like this, please feel free to talk to me anytime. What good is going through all this if I can't help someone else out there?

This also may help you see even more as to why I want to build my own family.

Thanks for listening. This took a little bit of courage!

Christian
 
A

anonymous

New member
We really do have that get "life started" syndrome. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, and I'm not just a selfish impatient, you -know-what.

Well guys, a little more about myself. When I was 5, I was taken from my birth parents, due to their drug use, jail visits, and general physical endangerment of me. Not to mention, I was constantly on the verge of death b/c of my CF and them not caring for me at all. I lived between relatives, friends, neighbors homes for 2 years and got formally adopted by relatives at 7. I was adopted into a home of 8 kids, all my cousins. The situation was a blessing in many ways, but a curse in others. I had hardly any love, and was often treated as a guest, not a daughter. Because of negligence, too many children, and other factors, I was sexually abused by a nurse during one of my hospital stays. I never told anyone. Later at the age of 11 I was again abused sexually by a "family friend" for a year. I never told anyone about him either. My husband, 5 years ago would be the first I'd tell. He gave me the courage to come forward, and be sure to see this man answer for what he did. I soon found out I was one of many many other girls. Years of living in repressed silence can do very bad things to you, emotionally and physically.

My adopted parents were very sad to learn what I told them, but they never talked about it with me. That's just how it was. Unbelievably emotionally repressed and cold. I occasionaly see my birth mother, though I recently decided to cut her out of my life. The emotional pain is too great, and she is not good for me. My father I do not and never will see. He is dangerous, and is carrying out various prison sentences anyway. They are no part of my life now. Yeah, I had to rationally deal with all this in therapy, and sure it was hard but you have to deal with it.

I miraculously met a loving, SANE young man with a family that was truly sent by God for me. When we married, after a few months I finally felt safe enough to get help with all the after effects of everything that happened to me. I also had to accept that carrying the stress of what happened would eventually take a serious toll on my CF. And I couldn't let all the people that hurt me take anything else away from me. It has been a very long road, with lots of work. Tons of work. But, I've made it!

If anyone out there reads this...which is just a small tidbit of my life....and has experienced anything similar or knows someone going through anything like this, please feel free to talk to me anytime. What good is going through all this if I can't help someone else out there?

This also may help you see even more as to why I want to build my own family.

Thanks for listening. This took a little bit of courage!

Christian
 
A

Allie

New member
That took a lot of courage, Christian, and obviously you have come such a long way from the environment you were raised in. Thanks for sharing with us.
 
A

Allie

New member
That took a lot of courage, Christian, and obviously you have come such a long way from the environment you were raised in. Thanks for sharing with us.
 
J

julie

New member
Christian, although my situation is different than yours I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I have always wanted babies just as you. My mom said I use to have a baby antenna that would go up if a baby was withina 2 mile radius <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

I know it can be very difficult to share this information with others-big huge applauds for that. It really does help to talk it out, this site has been so supportive to Mark and I though all of our struggles. Feel free to open up. There are going to be a few people who might have some mean things to say to you...... IGNORE them!!!!!!!

I also understand the urgency. People are telling me all over the place, "you are so young, you'll have time to have a family" and I want to STRANGLE THEM!!! Don't feel bad for feeling this way if you do. What people don't understand sometimes is that there is more to our situaiton that meets the eye-and quite frankly it's none of their business. I wanted to have a baby with Mark early on because I'd like him to be around as long as possible to see his child/children grow up. Of course there are no guarantees of that-CF or not. But I want to do as much as I can about it.

I suggest if you feel as strongly as this as it seems you do, that you revisit the subject with your husband. Explain to him your fears, your concerns, your heartache and then let him talk about his fears, his concerns and anythingelse he feels. Mark and I had to do this about a dozen times before we concluded that his biggest problem is that he was so scared to become a dad, really scared and wasn't ready for that reason. But the more we talked abou it, he realized that he would probably always be scared to become a dad-most are. So then we planned around some finances and when he would be finished with school. Although I wished he would have "changed his mind" overnight, it honestly didn't happen that way. It was about 4-6 months of discussions, completely non judgemental,non arguementative discussions.

And I have to be honest with you, it doesn't get any easier being around others with babies and who are pregnant. Especially if you don't talk it out (whether it be with your husband, a friend, on this website, on an infertility website...). Talking about it is really what has gotten me through this. I have REALLY struggled with it, Mark hasn't. So I needed to talk to others, and I did. Sometimes I would talk to him, cry just a little bit but make sure that I wasn't bottling it up.

As far as someone else who had a child naturally, HollyCatheryn is a wonderful woman on this site. She has a CF website about females with CF and fertility. Her website is<a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.geocities.com/murrensnaturemama/index.html">http://www.geocities.com/murrensnaturemama/index.html</a>. Many women have visited her site and love the information available. She is very responsive via emails as well so I would encourage you to email her with some questions.

Best to you and your husband Christian, really. I know what you are going through and don't feel bad about "talking it out"!
 
J

julie

New member
Christian, although my situation is different than yours I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I have always wanted babies just as you. My mom said I use to have a baby antenna that would go up if a baby was withina 2 mile radius <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

I know it can be very difficult to share this information with others-big huge applauds for that. It really does help to talk it out, this site has been so supportive to Mark and I though all of our struggles. Feel free to open up. There are going to be a few people who might have some mean things to say to you...... IGNORE them!!!!!!!

I also understand the urgency. People are telling me all over the place, "you are so young, you'll have time to have a family" and I want to STRANGLE THEM!!! Don't feel bad for feeling this way if you do. What people don't understand sometimes is that there is more to our situaiton that meets the eye-and quite frankly it's none of their business. I wanted to have a baby with Mark early on because I'd like him to be around as long as possible to see his child/children grow up. Of course there are no guarantees of that-CF or not. But I want to do as much as I can about it.

I suggest if you feel as strongly as this as it seems you do, that you revisit the subject with your husband. Explain to him your fears, your concerns, your heartache and then let him talk about his fears, his concerns and anythingelse he feels. Mark and I had to do this about a dozen times before we concluded that his biggest problem is that he was so scared to become a dad, really scared and wasn't ready for that reason. But the more we talked abou it, he realized that he would probably always be scared to become a dad-most are. So then we planned around some finances and when he would be finished with school. Although I wished he would have "changed his mind" overnight, it honestly didn't happen that way. It was about 4-6 months of discussions, completely non judgemental,non arguementative discussions.

And I have to be honest with you, it doesn't get any easier being around others with babies and who are pregnant. Especially if you don't talk it out (whether it be with your husband, a friend, on this website, on an infertility website...). Talking about it is really what has gotten me through this. I have REALLY struggled with it, Mark hasn't. So I needed to talk to others, and I did. Sometimes I would talk to him, cry just a little bit but make sure that I wasn't bottling it up.

As far as someone else who had a child naturally, HollyCatheryn is a wonderful woman on this site. She has a CF website about females with CF and fertility. Her website is<a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.geocities.com/murrensnaturemama/index.html">http://www.geocities.com/murrensnaturemama/index.html</a>. Many women have visited her site and love the information available. She is very responsive via emails as well so I would encourage you to email her with some questions.

Best to you and your husband Christian, really. I know what you are going through and don't feel bad about "talking it out"!
 
A

anonymous

New member
hi christian

I was also born to be a mother--I've hated every job I've ever had until I started staying home with my first kid last year. (he has CF) However, when I married my husband, I was prepared to live my life happily with him even if he never was ready for kids. My opinion was that if he wasn't TOTALLY on board, it would be harder on me and our kid/s, he would always feel trapped or regret, etc, etc. The result for us has been wonderful. He is the most loving, sweet father on the planet. He has overcome a poor childhood (nothing compared to yours, but still a big emotional hurdle) and is such a wonderful man and father. I couldn't imagine the strain on our relationship if I had pushed him into having kids and then to find out our baby has CF.... My advice I guess is to be patient, compromise, and love your husband for his strength to speak his mind.
 
A

anonymous

New member
hi christian

I was also born to be a mother--I've hated every job I've ever had until I started staying home with my first kid last year. (he has CF) However, when I married my husband, I was prepared to live my life happily with him even if he never was ready for kids. My opinion was that if he wasn't TOTALLY on board, it would be harder on me and our kid/s, he would always feel trapped or regret, etc, etc. The result for us has been wonderful. He is the most loving, sweet father on the planet. He has overcome a poor childhood (nothing compared to yours, but still a big emotional hurdle) and is such a wonderful man and father. I couldn't imagine the strain on our relationship if I had pushed him into having kids and then to find out our baby has CF.... My advice I guess is to be patient, compromise, and love your husband for his strength to speak his mind.
 
A

anonymous

New member
OMG Julie, thankyou so much for the link to HollyCathryn's site. It is awesome and full of valuable info!
It really helped, made me not worry so much, and it shows that you have to take practical steps and not rush into anything.
I definately have to be more patient also. Thanks so much for all your posts.
I'm going to check out the links to CF and Motherhood too.

Well, Julie I took your advice also on continuing to bring it up to my hubby. You know, I recently talked to a woman who went through IVF, she doesn't have CF, but her hubby was scared to have kids too. She said I should be loving and respectful, but if I stop talking about it entirely, my husband may think I'm not serious and that it's just a "hormonal phase" or something. So it will be a gentle but continued subject.

I told you more about my growing up, and you can imagine from the little that you now know about my family...my dating and engagement to my husband was not the easiest time. It wasn't the flower filled-wedding-anticipation that many parents share with their daughters. I didn't have much support. Anyway, we should have tested my hubby then for CF and we didn't. So he's getting tested tommorrow. I'm nervous, but it's not in my hands. We'll see. It will give us some answers anyway.

It's the first step at least! Stressful, but I'm happy we're moving ahead.

Thanks again for your support.

Christian
 
A

anonymous

New member
OMG Julie, thankyou so much for the link to HollyCathryn's site. It is awesome and full of valuable info!
It really helped, made me not worry so much, and it shows that you have to take practical steps and not rush into anything.
I definately have to be more patient also. Thanks so much for all your posts.
I'm going to check out the links to CF and Motherhood too.

Well, Julie I took your advice also on continuing to bring it up to my hubby. You know, I recently talked to a woman who went through IVF, she doesn't have CF, but her hubby was scared to have kids too. She said I should be loving and respectful, but if I stop talking about it entirely, my husband may think I'm not serious and that it's just a "hormonal phase" or something. So it will be a gentle but continued subject.

I told you more about my growing up, and you can imagine from the little that you now know about my family...my dating and engagement to my husband was not the easiest time. It wasn't the flower filled-wedding-anticipation that many parents share with their daughters. I didn't have much support. Anyway, we should have tested my hubby then for CF and we didn't. So he's getting tested tommorrow. I'm nervous, but it's not in my hands. We'll see. It will give us some answers anyway.

It's the first step at least! Stressful, but I'm happy we're moving ahead.

Thanks again for your support.

Christian
 
S

skh

Guest
Christian, you are a very courageous young woman. Thank you for sharing with us and being willing to help anyone else out there who has experienced some of the same things as you. I hope you felt it cuz I just sent you a big hug!

Sue
 
S

skh

Guest
Christian, you are a very courageous young woman. Thank you for sharing with us and being willing to help anyone else out there who has experienced some of the same things as you. I hope you felt it cuz I just sent you a big hug!

Sue
 
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