Helping someone deal

[thelizardqueen]

Once dated a guy for a year, who told me he was completly fine with dealing with my CF and diabetes. About 9 months into the relationship he told me he needed a break to think things through regarding my illness. We got back together for 3 more months and then split. He told me he couldn't handle the fact that I was sick sometimes, and that I didn't like going to smokey bars with him. He also didn't like the fact that I wanted him to attend my specialist appts every 4 months. I decided, that if he couldn't handle these small things, then he wouldn't be able to handle the bigger things. I am now with a wonderful guy, who has seen me at my worst, and told me that if ever I broke up with him because I didn't think he could handle my long term CF effects, he wouldn't listen to me and would still stay. You need to be sure that this is what your partner wants and can handle. You need to be straight forward about this. What happens if you get very sick and hospital, and she decides that she can't do it anymore? Or after 5-10 years of marriage?

 

[thelizardqueen]

Once dated a guy for a year, who told me he was completly fine with dealing with my CF and diabetes. About 9 months into the relationship he told me he needed a break to think things through regarding my illness. We got back together for 3 more months and then split. He told me he couldn't handle the fact that I was sick sometimes, and that I didn't like going to smokey bars with him. He also didn't like the fact that I wanted him to attend my specialist appts every 4 months. I decided, that if he couldn't handle these small things, then he wouldn't be able to handle the bigger things. I am now with a wonderful guy, who has seen me at my worst, and told me that if ever I broke up with him because I didn't think he could handle my long term CF effects, he wouldn't listen to me and would still stay. You need to be sure that this is what your partner wants and can handle. You need to be straight forward about this. What happens if you get very sick and hospital, and she decides that she can't do it anymore? Or after 5-10 years of marriage?

 

[julie]

Welcome to the site!

Is it possible to have your girlfriend come on here and view some of these posts with you? I ask only because it might really help for her to seem them.

I am married to a CFer, we've been together almost 7 years, married almost 4 (in August), we started dating when I was 16 and he was 19, we got married when I was 19 and he was 21. I went through a tough time like this too, I do believe at one point all of us might (i can't speak for others though) but here's what I concluded after much thinking.



Sounds like your are is pretty healthy which is really good but as the nature of CF is, there will likely be complications sometime in the future. I didn't really have people to talk to until I found this site about a year ago, but I just sat down and thought about it all one day. I decided that I was scared about the future and sad of what it might hold, and that's ok, it's natural to feel that way. But I also decided that loving him, being there for him, being in a relationship and having a family was more important to me than all those fears so I was going to just have to work through it, talk to my mom about it, talk to my best friend about it. And now that you have found this site, it's a great place to come and talk about your concerns, get more information about CF (because there is always more to learn, even when you think you might know it all).

He and I also sat down and had a frank coverstaion about a lot of things. Like I could die long before him, I could get in a car accident tomorrow morning or get hit walking across a street. He could get shot walking down the wrong street or eat something he was deathly allergic to. The bottom line that we both concluded is #1, neither of us will live our lives by the limitations that CF could potentially put on it, #2, either of us could die today or tomorrow so lets not dwell on death bur rather enjoy life and try to do all we want (within normal reasonable rmeans.).

Hopefully you find comfort on this site and some friendships as well. I am usually on this site once a day and I also check my email all the time so if you want to talk OR if your girlfriend (when she's ready) wants to talk to someone who's been there, feel free to email me whenever you need to. <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="mailto:division902@hotmail.com ">division902@hotmail.com </a>

Also, perhaps shes done some research on CF and learned that a lot of men with CF have infertility problems (I take it from your posting you are a male but if not, I am sincerely sorry)? That really freaked me out, but adapt and overcome! She might find my website of interest, <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com ">www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com </a>. My husband and I will know on the 21st if we are pregnant or not, and it IS biologically her child. I am not sure if that is part of the issue, but quite honestly it can be for a lot of women.

Come back for more advice and support whenever you need it!

 

[julie]

Welcome to the site!

Is it possible to have your girlfriend come on here and view some of these posts with you? I ask only because it might really help for her to seem them.

I am married to a CFer, we've been together almost 7 years, married almost 4 (in August), we started dating when I was 16 and he was 19, we got married when I was 19 and he was 21. I went through a tough time like this too, I do believe at one point all of us might (i can't speak for others though) but here's what I concluded after much thinking.



Sounds like your are is pretty healthy which is really good but as the nature of CF is, there will likely be complications sometime in the future. I didn't really have people to talk to until I found this site about a year ago, but I just sat down and thought about it all one day. I decided that I was scared about the future and sad of what it might hold, and that's ok, it's natural to feel that way. But I also decided that loving him, being there for him, being in a relationship and having a family was more important to me than all those fears so I was going to just have to work through it, talk to my mom about it, talk to my best friend about it. And now that you have found this site, it's a great place to come and talk about your concerns, get more information about CF (because there is always more to learn, even when you think you might know it all).

He and I also sat down and had a frank coverstaion about a lot of things. Like I could die long before him, I could get in a car accident tomorrow morning or get hit walking across a street. He could get shot walking down the wrong street or eat something he was deathly allergic to. The bottom line that we both concluded is #1, neither of us will live our lives by the limitations that CF could potentially put on it, #2, either of us could die today or tomorrow so lets not dwell on death bur rather enjoy life and try to do all we want (within normal reasonable rmeans.).

Hopefully you find comfort on this site and some friendships as well. I am usually on this site once a day and I also check my email all the time so if you want to talk OR if your girlfriend (when she's ready) wants to talk to someone who's been there, feel free to email me whenever you need to. <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="mailto:division902@hotmail.com ">division902@hotmail.com </a>

Also, perhaps shes done some research on CF and learned that a lot of men with CF have infertility problems (I take it from your posting you are a male but if not, I am sincerely sorry)? That really freaked me out, but adapt and overcome! She might find my website of interest, <a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com ">www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com </a>. My husband and I will know on the 21st if we are pregnant or not, and it IS biologically her child. I am not sure if that is part of the issue, but quite honestly it can be for a lot of women.

Come back for more advice and support whenever you need it!

 

[anonymous]

Sorry for the late reply, this is the OP I have just been really busy with classes this semester.

This girl has been with me thorughout the worst of it (I was only hospitalized once in my life and she was there with me alongside my bed). She knows fully well the infertility thing, and all the 'possibilities' of CF. She has known for a long time. The other night we were talking (we still talk on a regular basis, and see each other a few times a week, not all the time like we used to because I want to give her some space) and she said something along the lines of "i have a lot of things to deal with and as soon as I can deal with this I will come back, I will come back I promise and then I will be ready to spend the rest of my life with you I just need some time and I'm not even sure why".

I have said to her the whole scenario of anyone being able to die at any moment and that we should make the best of both our lives while we have them. I know it sounds horrible but she does cry every time she thinks I am getting farther away and she does not want me to leave (Everyone has left her in the past...not only boyfriends but also parents and other family) she has not exactly had the best past before me. I think I am the first person she truly trusted and she is scared? that I will let her down or that my CF will get in the way? I am just not sure

 

[anonymous]

Sorry for the late reply, this is the OP I have just been really busy with classes this semester.

This girl has been with me thorughout the worst of it (I was only hospitalized once in my life and she was there with me alongside my bed). She knows fully well the infertility thing, and all the 'possibilities' of CF. She has known for a long time. The other night we were talking (we still talk on a regular basis, and see each other a few times a week, not all the time like we used to because I want to give her some space) and she said something along the lines of "i have a lot of things to deal with and as soon as I can deal with this I will come back, I will come back I promise and then I will be ready to spend the rest of my life with you I just need some time and I'm not even sure why".

I have said to her the whole scenario of anyone being able to die at any moment and that we should make the best of both our lives while we have them. I know it sounds horrible but she does cry every time she thinks I am getting farther away and she does not want me to leave (Everyone has left her in the past...not only boyfriends but also parents and other family) she has not exactly had the best past before me. I think I am the first person she truly trusted and she is scared? that I will let her down or that my CF will get in the way? I am just not sure

 

[littledebbie]

Uhmm, if I were to guess she is maybe in her early 20's and you guys have been together for a while. She may just be getting some quite natural cold feet and wondering if she is just hooking up with the first guy who has offered her love and security or hooking up with you because you are truly the love her life. It may not have as much to do with CF as she says. I think sometimes the health thing seems like an easy out for people. It's valid, and something we can't change/fix etc. I don't mean that she's lying to you about the reason, she may not really be able to put her finger on the reason herslef.

I think this is truly something she's going to have to work out for herself. She may come back to you and she may not. I know that's not what you want to hear, I'm sorry. Sometimes us girls screw good things up, I think timing has a lot to do with the success of a relationship, I know that's not very romantic, but I have found it to be true. I would try to move on as best you can with your life, if your the right one she'll find her way back to you.

then again what do I know <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> Just my 2 cents. Good luck

 

[littledebbie]

Uhmm, if I were to guess she is maybe in her early 20's and you guys have been together for a while. She may just be getting some quite natural cold feet and wondering if she is just hooking up with the first guy who has offered her love and security or hooking up with you because you are truly the love her life. It may not have as much to do with CF as she says. I think sometimes the health thing seems like an easy out for people. It's valid, and something we can't change/fix etc. I don't mean that she's lying to you about the reason, she may not really be able to put her finger on the reason herslef.

I think this is truly something she's going to have to work out for herself. She may come back to you and she may not. I know that's not what you want to hear, I'm sorry. Sometimes us girls screw good things up, I think timing has a lot to do with the success of a relationship, I know that's not very romantic, but I have found it to be true. I would try to move on as best you can with your life, if your the right one she'll find her way back to you.

then again what do I know <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> Just my 2 cents. Good luck

 

[anonymous]

Well, that is what she says, that she just needs time and she knows she is coming back.

I don't want to let her go for several reasons.... We have a blast together all the time so it would be like losing a best friend. Also, we use each other for support and if I can help her at all get through what she is going through right now I want to... I love her and care about her regardless of how she feels about me (although I do honestly believe she feels the same way).

 

[anonymous]

Well, that is what she says, that she just needs time and she knows she is coming back.

I don't want to let her go for several reasons.... We have a blast together all the time so it would be like losing a best friend. Also, we use each other for support and if I can help her at all get through what she is going through right now I want to... I love her and care about her regardless of how she feels about me (although I do honestly believe she feels the same way).