i am thinking about going to tanzania, africa for 12 weeks (may-august) this year. i would be volunteering.
1 things are stopping me:
my health/worried parents and other relatives
I have had a rough year with 5 hospitalizations and like 50 ER visits, so my family is quick to think that maybe i can't handle this sort of trip (espically because it would be in a tropical temperature zone and heat+me=bad.
the thing they dont know is i've been depressed and for much of the year haven't done my meds.
i cant tell them this of course, or ill lose their trust, but to me, it seems like since i've decided on going, i've been happier, and so i've been doing my meds all the time.
i think that i can do this. my PFTS were 88% last time, but that was an all time low (and i hadn't done my meds in a month...i know i'm stupid.)
so anyways, my PFTs are high, everything is clinically wonderful, when i went in for a bronch in november my doc said "i can always tell when i am doing a bronch on a cf paitent, even without seeing their face, but with you, if i didn't know it was you, i wouldn't have known you had cf"<<that made her think maybe im depressed which = not feeling so hot. i didn't like the idea at first but i really was depressed but i haven't been for like a week now, in fact i'm more excited then i can ever remember...
africa was a place i always wanted to go, but supressed it because i thought i would never get to. ive done that with alot of things (i think because of the cf). so when i looked at this volunteer trip and saw myself actually going, well lets just say i literally cannot sleep at night, in the past 3 nights two of them i have spent lying in bed with my mind racing about all the things ill see and do, and how much the experience will change me (for the better, i hope). i lay in bed until 4 or 5 and get up and come downstairs and look online at more information about tanzania, the serengeti, anything and everything i can.
i know that my doctors will not be happy, and i dread telling them but i am so convinced i am supposed to do this (im not religious i have no clue if theres a god). i just feel like it will make my life so much better. i know that i could permanantly damage my health/cause the crash that leads to death but i feel like if i dont do it i will always regret it. i will always wonder and dream about it. i feel like it's a risk i have to take. i dont want to live just for the sake of having another birthday, i want the birthday to mean something, i want to accomplish things before i die. because i could very well sit here and wish i had gone to africa and catch cepacia and die. it could happen, obviously i dont know if it will, but i dont know if my health will permanently fall from going to africa either.
i guess i just want opinions...i am settled in my mind, i feel like im going because im meant to go, i need to go, but im just not sure how to justify it to worried relatives.
i fear that with my health track record over the past year the only thing to make them believe is for me to actually go and come back...
maggie 18w/cf
1 things are stopping me:
my health/worried parents and other relatives
I have had a rough year with 5 hospitalizations and like 50 ER visits, so my family is quick to think that maybe i can't handle this sort of trip (espically because it would be in a tropical temperature zone and heat+me=bad.
the thing they dont know is i've been depressed and for much of the year haven't done my meds.
i cant tell them this of course, or ill lose their trust, but to me, it seems like since i've decided on going, i've been happier, and so i've been doing my meds all the time.
i think that i can do this. my PFTS were 88% last time, but that was an all time low (and i hadn't done my meds in a month...i know i'm stupid.)
so anyways, my PFTs are high, everything is clinically wonderful, when i went in for a bronch in november my doc said "i can always tell when i am doing a bronch on a cf paitent, even without seeing their face, but with you, if i didn't know it was you, i wouldn't have known you had cf"<<that made her think maybe im depressed which = not feeling so hot. i didn't like the idea at first but i really was depressed but i haven't been for like a week now, in fact i'm more excited then i can ever remember...
africa was a place i always wanted to go, but supressed it because i thought i would never get to. ive done that with alot of things (i think because of the cf). so when i looked at this volunteer trip and saw myself actually going, well lets just say i literally cannot sleep at night, in the past 3 nights two of them i have spent lying in bed with my mind racing about all the things ill see and do, and how much the experience will change me (for the better, i hope). i lay in bed until 4 or 5 and get up and come downstairs and look online at more information about tanzania, the serengeti, anything and everything i can.
i know that my doctors will not be happy, and i dread telling them but i am so convinced i am supposed to do this (im not religious i have no clue if theres a god). i just feel like it will make my life so much better. i know that i could permanantly damage my health/cause the crash that leads to death but i feel like if i dont do it i will always regret it. i will always wonder and dream about it. i feel like it's a risk i have to take. i dont want to live just for the sake of having another birthday, i want the birthday to mean something, i want to accomplish things before i die. because i could very well sit here and wish i had gone to africa and catch cepacia and die. it could happen, obviously i dont know if it will, but i dont know if my health will permanently fall from going to africa either.
i guess i just want opinions...i am settled in my mind, i feel like im going because im meant to go, i need to go, but im just not sure how to justify it to worried relatives.
i fear that with my health track record over the past year the only thing to make them believe is for me to actually go and come back...
maggie 18w/cf