Marriage - Julie's Post (a little off topic)

[Emily65Roses]

"Also, being married changes things. I don't know why and I don't know how-but it does. My husband and I lived together for about 2 years before we were ever married. We had a shared bank accoung, we split the bills, shared cars, were on eachothers insurance, had life insurance policies with eachother as the beneficiaries...you name it, we were like a married couple. Then we got married and the first 9-18 months were honestly just so difficult that looking back they were almost awful. I had a friend tell me"it changes when you get married" and I was thinking "yeah right, we've lived together, shared stuff...this doesn't apply to me" BOY was I wrong. We fought harder and like never before, we both considered divorce about 3 or 4 times, and I even went to the court house and got papers once . Then after about 18 months, things started getting back to the way they were before we got married.

Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)"

Just curious... you really have no idea why it changed things? If you lived together, shared bills, cars, insurance, etc... I just don't get how it can change anything? That post really made me wonder. Just looking for what you think, Julie... or anyone else who has an idea.
PS-- I know it's off topic, but this is the folder I check most. I often skip the off topic one. So to make sure it was seen, and I'd be able to find it again, I figured I'd post it here.

 

[Purplelungs]

Sometimes i think its the setyrotype in everyones head...its subconsiously in there....now no one get mad at this....but i have seen alot of guys get married only to turn into butts....meaning they think that ring or something is on the womans finger so they "own" the woman....and then the woman says to herself hey i am not going to let him think he can just boss me so i will act even more independant than i used to....so they clash....it maybe kinda out there but think about it....its been drilled into mens heads for so long that they are the boss, and now its drilled into womens heads that they are equal to men so dont let them be the boss....not saying anything is wrong its just you can butt heads this way till you figure out hey i'm acting dumb here. wish i could explain this better.

then sometimes i think people who are great together dating get married...and then get scared to loose the other person they do just about everything to keep them...and sometimes thats bad.. or sometimes people think hey we are married i dont have to try anymore...meaning they think they dont have to have any romance, charm, or they dont have to keep up there appearance...or do anything to make sure the spouse doesnt leave cus hey their married no one is going anywhere...where as when your dating you still try, be charming , want to look your best , etc....No I am not saying you have to do that everyday of your married life, you should be comfortable...but its just sometimes you have to make an effort for the other person.

those are just some of my "theories"...but i would really like to know to Julie if you know what happened or how it happened that things changed..glad to hear it worked out though.
amanda

 

[anonymous]

Emily, the only reason I can think that it might have been different after we got married is this. When we weren't married and we got into an argument or fight or something (which was pretty rare) it was very easy to say, "I think I am going to go to my moms for the night" or "I am going to stay with a friend" or just say, "I will be back later, when I don't know' because that happened on a few occasions when we were dating and living together, but not too often. It was really easy to just leave for the day and the evening and come back and visit the issue later. Well, we have found that when you are married, you can't just say "I am going to stay with a friend tonight" or "I will be back later, when, I don't know". Mark and I have both talked about this and we both concluded that it's because we feel much more compelled to work it out and deal with the issue at hand, right then and there. And sometimes it's more difficult to address the issue when the both of you are upset or don't agree or something like that. It probably would have been smarter to wait till we both calmed down, but we were kind of over zealous about "solving the problem right now". Why we feel that way, who knows, maybe it is subsconsious, I really have no clue why. But we both agree that part of the reason is because we feel it is unhealthy for the marriage and our relationship to let things linger and just walk away (even if it's just for a few hours) when it gets tough. Overtime we learned that when we don't agree or things aren't going right, it doesn't have to be immediately solved-especially if we are both "hot" about the issue. Sometimes it's healthier to just agree to do our own thing for a few hours and discuss it later, or sleep on it and discuss it later. But we have also both agreed that it is NEVER ok to say, "I am going to so and so's house", or "I'll be back later". There are the few occasions that I have said, "i am going to go drive for a little bit and I'll be back in 30 minutes or so" and as long as that's ok with him (or vise versa) then there isn't an issue.

Now we've been married nearly three years and it's been about a year and a half since we had those "newl married difficult times", but I find that across the board with married people that I know, we all agree that the first 6-18 months of a married are the most difficult and trying, but that if you can make it through those difficult and trying times your marrige should be able to handle anything.

I don't know if anything I said helped make more sense, but that's all I can think of to explain it. I love being married and those difficult first months are well worth what my husband and I share and the love we have for eachother. But I tell friends and aquaintences all the time (who are newly married or in their first year) who express that marriage isn't what they thought it would be, that the first 9 months or so (that seems to be about the average) are the MOST difficult and that with dedication it will get better.

Julie (wife to Mark 24 w/CF)