Scarlett81
New member
Hi All,
I'm very reserved about asking people to talk if I need a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. (other than my dog's) That's probably not a good thing. I need to ask more. But, today I'm very very depressed. And have no one to talk to right now. My husband loves me very much, but 1-he doesn't have cf, 2-he hasn't been sexually abused or grown up the way I did, and 3-he's very afraid to talk about things like this. He's been a real trooper so far-coming to therapy with me, talking till 2 am, but I can only go so far with him.
Some of you know I dealt with sexual abuse in my childhood, and the stress of losing both my parents, and adoption, -all that garbage that goes with it. Basically, I was never nurtured. All I ever knew about parents was that they worked to get money to pay for food and clothes for you. No real nurturing love there. I was adopted b/c they were the only relatives left that had the circumstances to take me in. Yes, I'm thankful for that. I don't take that away from them. But, I was unfortunately reminded that I was a guest my whole life.
So here I am now. I miraculously didn't marry a loser, like most men I met in my life. I married an incredible man, with a wonderful big loving family. And they took me in as their own.
After marriage, I started therapy. It has had obvious ups and downs, but I've learned so so much. And I'm doing much better. My psych calls me one of his success stories. When I look at where I was 3 yrs ago, 2 yrs ago, one year ago, I've made so much progress. So I can't complain.
But, I still struggle with depression. Regular old fashioned depression. I say it that way, b/c I was DX with Post traumatic stress disorder, and I know the effects that has. It has very specific characteristics that I deal with sometimes, but mostly I have learned to control. What I feel now is definately chemical. Everything is fine, and I slump. The day will be great and all the sudden I feel so sad. I have little to no interest in anything. Which is where I really suffer, b/c I used to have so many interests. I speak 2 languages, I'm an artist, I've traveled. And I have lost so much of my spirit.
It's sad b/c I look at my life, and if I didn't have cf and you didn't know about my early baggage, you'd think I was a princess. I'm not saying this to brag-believe me! But my hubby has a very good job. He literally trys to do anything that will make me happy. He's taken me to these wonderful trips. I live in a wonderful home, have horses, all these things that generally people work hard to get and sometimes never get. But I always feel a sense of hopelessness and sadness.
I've obviously brought this up to my therapist. This is where the CF comes in. As with most survivors of sexual abuse, they try to go slow so you cover everything you need to. They don't want you have a bad relapse, and try to tlak everything out and take their time. Well, there's the big CF issue-I don't have time. I don't have 10 years to work out my issues. Don't get me wrong-I've worked my butt of in therapy. Done my writings every day-oh man so much work. And its paid off. But-what I'm feeling now seems chemical to me. I'm not having flashbacks of abuse, nightmares, nothing like that.
I'm thinking about medication. I feel like I've gone as far as I can go in therapy. And my therapist agrees to an extent. He said I've dealt with every major issue. Now there's this stigma attached to medication. I hate it, but it's there. And my husband is one of the ones that has the stigma. I've hinted at meds before, and he's said he's not crazy about that. He would have a big problem with that. Im afraid of them too. But-I'm also afraid of living like this forever. I'm ready to live my life and be free of a life filled with pain and unhappiness. I'm done with that. And heaven knows what it's doing to my physical health. If you look at my life on a superficial level right now-it's pretty damn good. I want to enjoy it like I deserve to. I feel trapped.
I'm very reserved about asking people to talk if I need a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. (other than my dog's) That's probably not a good thing. I need to ask more. But, today I'm very very depressed. And have no one to talk to right now. My husband loves me very much, but 1-he doesn't have cf, 2-he hasn't been sexually abused or grown up the way I did, and 3-he's very afraid to talk about things like this. He's been a real trooper so far-coming to therapy with me, talking till 2 am, but I can only go so far with him.
Some of you know I dealt with sexual abuse in my childhood, and the stress of losing both my parents, and adoption, -all that garbage that goes with it. Basically, I was never nurtured. All I ever knew about parents was that they worked to get money to pay for food and clothes for you. No real nurturing love there. I was adopted b/c they were the only relatives left that had the circumstances to take me in. Yes, I'm thankful for that. I don't take that away from them. But, I was unfortunately reminded that I was a guest my whole life.
So here I am now. I miraculously didn't marry a loser, like most men I met in my life. I married an incredible man, with a wonderful big loving family. And they took me in as their own.
After marriage, I started therapy. It has had obvious ups and downs, but I've learned so so much. And I'm doing much better. My psych calls me one of his success stories. When I look at where I was 3 yrs ago, 2 yrs ago, one year ago, I've made so much progress. So I can't complain.
But, I still struggle with depression. Regular old fashioned depression. I say it that way, b/c I was DX with Post traumatic stress disorder, and I know the effects that has. It has very specific characteristics that I deal with sometimes, but mostly I have learned to control. What I feel now is definately chemical. Everything is fine, and I slump. The day will be great and all the sudden I feel so sad. I have little to no interest in anything. Which is where I really suffer, b/c I used to have so many interests. I speak 2 languages, I'm an artist, I've traveled. And I have lost so much of my spirit.
It's sad b/c I look at my life, and if I didn't have cf and you didn't know about my early baggage, you'd think I was a princess. I'm not saying this to brag-believe me! But my hubby has a very good job. He literally trys to do anything that will make me happy. He's taken me to these wonderful trips. I live in a wonderful home, have horses, all these things that generally people work hard to get and sometimes never get. But I always feel a sense of hopelessness and sadness.
I've obviously brought this up to my therapist. This is where the CF comes in. As with most survivors of sexual abuse, they try to go slow so you cover everything you need to. They don't want you have a bad relapse, and try to tlak everything out and take their time. Well, there's the big CF issue-I don't have time. I don't have 10 years to work out my issues. Don't get me wrong-I've worked my butt of in therapy. Done my writings every day-oh man so much work. And its paid off. But-what I'm feeling now seems chemical to me. I'm not having flashbacks of abuse, nightmares, nothing like that.
I'm thinking about medication. I feel like I've gone as far as I can go in therapy. And my therapist agrees to an extent. He said I've dealt with every major issue. Now there's this stigma attached to medication. I hate it, but it's there. And my husband is one of the ones that has the stigma. I've hinted at meds before, and he's said he's not crazy about that. He would have a big problem with that. Im afraid of them too. But-I'm also afraid of living like this forever. I'm ready to live my life and be free of a life filled with pain and unhappiness. I'm done with that. And heaven knows what it's doing to my physical health. If you look at my life on a superficial level right now-it's pretty damn good. I want to enjoy it like I deserve to. I feel trapped.