Hello, I'm a 25 year old male with CF. It's only been over the past few years of my life that I have tried to have a better understanding of cystic fibrosis and how it has affected certain aspects of my life. In this time I have done some research and have read through countless postings on various CF websites. Many people with this illness seem to have the same personality traits. It seem that several of us feel as if nobody can really understand what is going on in our minds. I know for myself, this is how I feel. Although I've met people with CF, people that have already gone through the transplant, people that are sicker than I and people that are stuck in a very negative phase, I've never really met someone that knows where my mind is at. This is an obvious, inevitable aspect of life, seeing as how we are all unique in some way. We have all dealt with various lessons in life... some choose to learn from these lessons, while others tend to live in a shell, never truly expanding there mind to realize how fragile and precious each second of life is. This is something I am trying to work on with each passing day, but it is not something easily achieved. Positivity and motivation are two thing that I have found to be extremely important and even necessary to achieve happiness. For a good portion of my life I was stuck in a very negative phase. Throughout my childhood my social skills were never given a chance to develop. My parents had me when they were 21(mother) and 24(father). They did care for me extremely well, my physical health was always kept up as good as it could, however mentally I was lacking. Being hospitalized 1-2 times a year and taking weeks at a time out of school made it very hard to socialize. My father was heavily into drugs and alcohol until I was around age 8, I have very few memories of my childhood, other than knowing I never felt socially accepted. My health did improve as a teen, but by age 17 drugs became an escape for me. Pot was my main choice of drug, smoking it daily from morning till night from ages 17-19. At age 17 I had also met the first girl to have ever accepted me for who I was, this relationship was something I had always wanted. I ended up stopping smoking pot at age 19, knowing that if I would continue I would not be around for the girl I had loved for much longer. After quitting the drug life, I went through many other stages... never really being happy with myself. By age 23 I came close to proposing to this girl, but something inside me was not content enough... I didn't know what it was. Instead of following through with the proposal, I ended up leaving this person to start a very unhealthy relationship with another. (huge mistake in itself to end one & jump right into another) Without great detail, I will just say that this new relationship was extremely unhealthy for me. By December of 2002 my pulmonary doctor advised me to go for testing to get on the transplant list. At this point I knew I had to re-evaluate everything in my life. I made the choice to leave this unhealthy relationship and start eliminating any negativity in my life. I left her in April of 2003. I do work full time, but my current position does not pay well. I ended up taking out a loan to have an apartement built on my parents property, giving me enough space with the ability to save some money. The past year has been the most elightening for me. I've been able to see so many things with a new, clear perspective. It has also been the hardest year to adjust to. Although I do have family, being alone is something I haven't experienced since I was much younger. I know I'm making steps in the right direction, but I also realize I am making some poor choices as well. For the good... I am leaving my company to continue my education, attending college full time for Biology while working part time in a related feild. That is my goal, and thus far it is coming together well. With credits I already have, I should have my B.S in Bio in 3 years... which guarantees me a positon paying much higher than what I currently make. I have also dated much more over the past year, I've been able to communicate better than I had ever done in the past, which has made it easier for me to meet people and make new friends. Overall, I do however have this overcast feeling of depression and lonliness that I cannot seem to shake... which leads to some poor choices I've made. After ending the last relationship, I started drinking more frequently and eventually smoking pot again. Granted, I have only been smoking pot a few times a week (not in excess like my past), but I fear I have slipped back into something that I cannot control. I am a very stubborn person, I have a hard time letting others help me... so any time I've done something or quit something it has been on my own. What scares me at this point is knowing how I feel right now, after the weekend I just had. Friday and Saturday night I smoked a few times, just enough to feel the escape until I fell asleep. I do care for myself very well with my medicines, pulmozyme and tobi... but I realize this is a contradiction to my other habits. This morning I felt the tightness in my chest that I fear is from my smoking over the weekend, however I know that it'll probaby be gone in a few days... and the same routine will continue next weekend... possibly sooner. I'm at a very hard point of my life. Friends are few and far between, I do have 1 good friend that I value. My mind is a battle field today, I'm hoping to some day have more resolved inside of me. I greatly appreciate anyone that has read my posting to this point, thank you. If anyone out there can relate to this, or slightly understand the issues I am going through... please let me know what your thoughts are. Sometimes communicating thoughts and feelings is difficult, but once it happens it can be a great feeling. Thank you for listening,Rhode Island Cf'er