Question For Partners Of CF's

[Pete]

This is a difficult one for me to talk about so i'm just gonna put it out there...

My partner is Tx CF and we have an open, honest, caring and loving relationship, usually we have no difficulty talking about ANYTHING, but at the moment she is going through a difficult time, partly I feel, because of me.

She's had a hysterectomy but the a$$holes (long story) were kind enough to leave her one fuctioning ovary, with the arrival of me in her life the thought of saving eggs for the future possibility of having children has been major consideration for her. Recently she found out that she has some sort collection of "whatevers" on her last ovary...this has devastated her...this I know.

Like I said before, we can usually talk about anything, but this has me worried. I came into this relationship knowing the reality of the situation, but with a little hope she felt she could still maybe give me children from this last ovary, I have never and will never put ANY pressure on her about this but being able to broach the subject is difficult, probably because we don't really know exactly what is going on.

Has anyone had trouble with a topic and bringing it up your partner? and if so, how did you break through the pain and worry of it?

I write this with the knowledge that she WILL read this and I don't know what I can do for you...I love you and I'm worried for you...

As for you guys reading this, I would appreciate any input you may have.

Pete
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[coltsfan715]

Hmmm ... I know you were not asking CFers to answer this question or to provide input, but I wanted to say something about this topic because I myself have in the past few years had a hard time coming to the decision that I am not going to have kids.

I had already started thinking of making the decision to NOT have children when I met my now fiance. When we first met he talked alot about wanting kids and a family and this that and the other. I struggled with what to say and how to tell him that I didn't want to have children (naturally anyway). It took some time for me to bring it up and I still feel badly about it from time to time. I think for a woman it can be a matter of feeling like you have "failed" at the one thing you were made to do. I know that may seem extreme to some, but that was kind of how I felt initially. I have my moments - expecially now that many of my friends and family now have children and the fact that some of my family members just don't get that I am choosing to not have kids due to my health and are always asking me when I am going to have a baby. My fiance reassures me that I AM enough for him and that he would rather have me for the rest of our lives then to put me and my body through the stresses of having a baby that may or may not be healthy and well.

All you can be sure of is what you have right now. If you are happy then that is what matters. There will always be things that you can not have that you want that is just how life is. You can always adopt if you and your partner so choose. There are plenty of babies out there that need to be loved and given good homes. Maybe this is God's way of saying .... you two would make wonderful parents ... but you don't need to do it the "old fashioned" way.

Coming from the female perspective I would just try to reassure your girlfriend that yes you would love to have kids, but you are not with her for kids you are with her because you love her and because of who she is. Kids or no you still want to be with her. Though you may think she knows that already it may be what she needs to hear especially if it seems as though the child you are wanting me not be possible at the moment. <img src="">

I hope that helps and again sorry for replying if you weren't looking for a CFers opinion. I just know it has helped me to get reassurance from my fiance when I have my hangups about the subject.

Also .. here is to hoping that everything works out with her health and that everything will be okay.

Lindsey

 

[thelizardqueen]

Well, although I am a CFer, and not a partner without, I may have a bit of input. My boyfriend and I are always clashing about wanting kids. I want them right now, whereas he wants to wait a bit. He's terrified of bringing a baby into the picture and having my health go downhill. He tells me that he would prefere a longer life with just me, then a shortened life with a kid. Don't get me wrong, he does want kids, we talk about it all the time, but he's scared right now. CF is a lot to take in for a person just coming into the picture.

We went for genetic testing while I was in hospital, and we're awaiting results to see if he is a carrier or not. The counselor asked us on a scale of 1-10 how badly each of us wanted kids RIGHT NOW. My scale was a 10/10. Cory was 3/10. He said its because he's scared.

My feelings on this and your situation, is that sometimes you can't get everything out of life. Sometimes its better to savor what you have, then wish for more, if that makes any sense. I know that deep down, if Cory decides that kids aren't his thing, then I'll learn to deal with it, because I love him more then the possibility of a child. Reassure her that you are with her for HER, not kids. Like Lindsey said, there always is adoption.

 

[julie]

Pete, I've been in your shoes discussing this "family" situation with my husband so I understand where you are coming from. Although I personally think women can be much more sensitive about this issue, my husband was, and still is very embarassed about the fact that he's "not a man" if he can't produce children, or produce them naturally. So this has always been a sensitive subject for us. I've always told him it doesn't make me think any less of him, and if we can't have a biological child, we can adopt. He's not so keen on adoption but it doesn't really matter to me. It took a lot of working through and talking through but we both came to an agreement that we would try fertilty meds once and if that didn't work (mainly because of our money situation) we would look into adoption.

That being said, are you clear on whether or not she does want to attempt and have children? If she does genuinely feel that way, I would honestly recommend that she scheule an appointment to see a fertility doctor and that that you two "go it together". Meaning, go to every appt. with her, even those darn borning ones (Mark will tell you, I had a number of those).

Does she have an appt. scheduled with an OBGYN or fertility doc to see what these "whatevers" are about? I have alwasy had cysts on my ovaries, actually not at all uncommon for women. THey are just fluid filled little growths. But I responded exceptionally well to the fertility drugs in spite of these cysts. Maybe that's what these "whatevers" are, just cysts.

So how did I bring up the subject??? I just asked mark if we could talk about something very difficult for him to discuss, but that I felt needed to be talked about. He expressed to me how he didn't feel like a man because he couldn't get me pregnant, and I shared with him how I don't view him any differently and that I knew that was a likely possibility from early on in our relationship, and if I was in it for that sole purpose, I wouldn't still be here. It was a painful night for both of us, tears from both of us (don't tell him I said that, he'd kill me). But we came up with a plan of what we would do. First, we would get him tested, then based on that we would see a fertility doc. Then we would go from there with the recommended treatments. Because money was so tight we could only try it once, but we agreed we would do it.

He had his testing done and it showed what we suspected, that he had no sperm in the ejaculate. He was devistated about it. A few years later he shared with me that he thought I would leave him when we got that news, he really thought I would leave him because he knows how much I love babies (not putting pressure on him, but I use to babysitt for free all the time, I'd offer to watch anyone's baby...). But I didn't, and to be honest, that seemed to be the most difficult part of it for him.
I'm not saying your partner must feel this way, but maybe she's scared of what's going to happen to your relationsip if it is discovered that she can't have children with that one last ovary she was hoping on. It's very important that you express to her that you will be there, regardless of the outcome. Even if she's heard it a million times, reassure her. That's one thing I didn't do enough with Mark and why I think he was so fearful of those test results.

I know I've rambled a little bit in all of this (sorry), it brings back a lot of memories and emotions for me.... but if you have any questions pete, or if I can share any more or be of any help, feel free to PM or email me (division902@hotmail.com)

 

[Pete]

coltsfan...I appreciate input from anyone and you can't beat experience, I asked for advice from partners of CF's because of the common ground we share, but you've learnt whats it's like to be a partner of someone with this horrific disease through your partner.

I worry that she may shut me out and has done so in the past, CFs have these amazing titanium reinforced walls of protection that they put up, it's lucky I'm superman <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">, I just annoy her till she breaks and tells me whats up.

Absolutely there are other options for having children for sure, no doubt, but while we have the possibility of having our own one day then that is our reality at the moment...thats a bridge we'll cross if or when we come across it.

I always do my best to reassure her that we are what matters to me, but I worry for her, you mentioned the word "failed" in what you wrote, for sure that is something thats a concern for me, she has enough on her mind without something new to bring her down...

thanks for your advice and input, it's appreciated and valued.

LizardQueen...there's things I worry about with the idea of children, at some stage the reality is that I probably will be a single parent..you think about if you have the ability to raise a child on your own and will you bring up a child that your partner will be proud of and be proud of the job you did in raising it. I appreciate every moment I have with her and for me children aren't a priority, we are...it's really a case of take it as it comes...thankyou for replying.

Julie...Hun, you can ramble ALL ya want <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">...Basically we are at the stage of saving eggs for a future possibilty of children, she has an appointment this coming friday with the OBGYN, think the biggest stress is the unknown, at least when a fear becomes a reality then you can deal with it, but until then it's just a fear and stress...

There are many things i'd like to reply to with you but i've said most of it above, thankyou for sharing everythingyou've shared and the advice you gave, it's all been taken onboard and is very much appreciated..thanks for the offer of pm-ing or emailing you, just might do that one day.

P.S. we loved your baby photos/images, absolutely incredible...they got lots of "oooo's and ahhhhh's" hehe...

thanks again.

Pete
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[anonymous]

I have heard that conceiving when you have any kind of transplant is a risky matter. I spoke with a lady who had a liver transplant and she lost her liver and thankfully she got another one two years later. Her baby was born healthy. Lung transplants are much riskier and only a handful if that many have had children. There is a lot to consider. Best of luck ~Risa

 

[Pete]

risa...

For us it's a case of surrogacy...absolutely we have considered all the possibilities but unfortunately researching IVF is about all we can do


Pete
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[julie]

Pete, I will be praying for both of you as this appointment comes up. I know the uncertainty of not knowing IF it's even possible. Mark's labs were so abnormal (low/no testosterone, low FSH, low TSH....-all the reproductive hormones) that the two specialists we saw were highly highly doubtful that he had any sperm in there and kept recommending we just go with a donor. Thank God we stayed positive and had friends and family pray. But we've been in your shoes in a way. I'll be thinking and praying as this appt. comes up.

When you find out that things are good (just thinking positive for you <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">) any questions you may have about IVF... I'm happy to answer and I have a few others I can put you in contact with as well if you feel that you want to chat with anyone else or just have someone to ask questions of.

many prayers and well wishes as this appt. comes up.

And I'm glad you enjoyed the photos, thank you.