This is related to Pot

[anonymous]

Hi all,

I have been wondering lately about whether you should or should not care if your spouse smokes pot. He never smokes in front of me so it's not that, but I just don't like it when he does. He has started to ask my more frequently about smoking it and I'm starting to question whether he's starting to smoke it more and more. I told him a long time ago, like 4 years ago, that I didn't want to be "with" a pot-head and he's always said...oh and how often do I smoke it? It's usually like 2 or 3 times a year, so I've always said he is definitel not a pot-head but I never wanted him to become one in the future either. He seems so naive to this concept. This year he's starting to smoke more and it's just bugging me. I'm not truly effected by it because the smoke is outside, but he knows deep down that I just don't want him to smoke. Two weeks ago he brought it up and I just asked if I could eat with him while he smokes it. That worked out fine. Last week he asked again. Tonight, he just said again....."so this might be a big pot night." I'm like what?! He got very defensive, to the point where he didn't even want to talk to about it. I kept trying to discuss it so we could figure this out. But he basically refused. I said, why are you being so defensive? He said, I've learned to be defensive because of you.

I know from psychology classes and life, that the second you become defensive, there's really something to talk about.

Any advice? Am I being too strict? I don't know what to do.

 

[thelizardqueen]

I was in the same boat as you with my guy. I didn't like the fact that he was smoking a lot of it, and at the time didn't like the fact that he smoked period. I came to realize (after a few fights on the subject), that I wouldn't be able to change him, and we compromised - he cut way, way back to where he only does it on the occasion. As to quiting cold turkey for you, he's going to have to WANT to quit smoking, in order to quit. He can't quit just because you want him to, because then that might make him resent you a bit for forcing him. I'm not sure what type of advice though I can offer you other then that.

 

[cutiepatootie]

I don't know exactly what you are going through, but when my husband started smoking cigarettes again it bother me too, but it always bother me ever when he smoke prior to quiting. And he dosen't smoke any more and when he did it was never around me always outside. Anyways this is about you not me sorry. All I can say is as much as he fights you on it you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about it. Tell him to keep his mouth shut if he gets defensive and let you talk about what your feeling. Let him know your trying to help him because you love him and maybe ask him why he is being defensive about it. Say something like your trying to understand what is going on in his life. Maybe you will find out something, and thats why hes been smoking pot so much more! It could be someting else, but try to find out if something might be bothering him in his life to make him want to smoke it more often than before. Let him know because it sounds like it is affecting you more than it has in the passed. All I know is, you do need to talk to him about it before it starts to get in the way of your relationship. I hope I helped you out, if not sorry. If you have any other questions for me you can private message me if you would like? (Screen name is cutiepatootie). I don't mind, I like helping out others if they need it. Sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for, bye for now!!!

 

[anonymous]

I guess in the end it comes down to how you feel about how much he smokes, but where do you draw the line? what's a little and what's alot?, when it starts affecting his thought processes then you know he's over doing it, i mean, too much of anything is bad and the chemicals that they put in hydroponic pot these days can really mess with ya mind.

it's fairly obvious that you don't mind him smoking it once in awhile, but the rule i go by is that if something starts affecting the happiness and comunication in a relationship then it's a problem...or potential problem.

"...He said, I've learned to be defensive because of you...." and "...Am I being too strict?..." that could be a clue too, as I don't know you I won't comment on that.

Pete (forgot to login)

 

[cutiepatootie]

The only reason for you questioning him is because he has been asking you to do it more often with him, right. Thats what I got from what you said. So my question to you is then how often has he been asking you to smoke it with him. And is he only smoking it when he asks you to do it with him or does he smoke it a lot without you too. I say personal I wouldn't let my husband smoke pot period, but a few of my friends had this problem with there boyfriends and I told them it ok to smoke once and awhile even once a week is ok I guess it up to you how you feel about it, but if its 3 times or more a week he has a problem smoking, it too much! Thats my personal opnion. Anyways I still stand on what I said in my previous post if it is affecting your realationship you need to talk to him.

 

[littledebbie]

This is a tough question.  it's probably just something that
you will have to decide between you and him.  I think age
could be a factor but we don't know how old he is.  i do think
it can be a symptom of other issues he's having.  Also while I
know Pot hasn't shown to be addictive like cigarettes I am a firm
believer that the feeling is addictive.  And I am a pot
advocate and user, so I know a little of what i speak.  But it
is not something I would recommend for everyday use.  i think
like most relationship stuff you will have to talk about it...as
calmly as possible, preferably not right when it's an actual issue
as in "hey you put down that lighter".  And if he
isn't smoking around you what is your actual objection, I don't
mean that like I disagree with you, who wants to date a pot head?,
but you have to have some logical reasons and you have to be
prepared to compromise, you really can't change people all we can
hope for is a little bending on occasion.

 

[Faust]

I think you should probably give him more strip tease dances...While he will always dig pot, he will probably like the strip teases to go with smokin out. Nothin wrong with that right?

 

[JazzysMom]

Its a tough call. I will give my opinion based only on MY experiences. If he is getting defensive when you address the amount of times that is a sign that things are getting out of control. The FIRST sign of someone who has lost control of their ability to handle how often or how much they do it (drugs or alcohol) is defensiveness. This is linked to denial. Now what I dont know is if he truly has a problem or just doesnt want to hear any negative feedback from you. Honestly I dont think it matters. The fact is that you arent happy about it & he should at least keep that in mind. If he cares about you. I believe you have valid concerns & feelings. All you can do is address it with him. The rest is up to him. Good Luck!

 

[Scarlett81]

I may be wrong-
but this seems more of a marital situation than a health one. If he's not really jeopardizing your health, (doing it in front of you) at least you have that out of the way.
Then if its a relationship issue, talk it out. Get everything out. If he uses it casually, and is not a regular user, than quitting shouldn't be so hard for him, now should it?
Maybe its an issue of respect to you, I don't know. But if you feel this strongly, you have to get it out. Communicate with each other. If this pot isn't that important to him, and I'm assuming you are more important to him, than his decision shouldn't be too hard.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks guys. After I wrote this last night, we did finally talk about it more. It actually blew up in both of our faces, so we finally discussed a bunch of really good things. I won't go into all the details, because there were a lot of those, but I will say we defined some warning signals for both of us to be aware of for the future. We decided on parameters for his smoking that if he got to smoking at a certain frequency, then it would be a safe place for me to bring it up again and discuss everything and can't be defenisive at that point. I have my own parameters that we just set too just so we both have one, although I definitly don't see those ever happening. But now I feel good, I know not to worry and to let him smoke when he wants and he knows he's free to do whatever up until that parameter. He fully agreed that if he ever got to that point, that that would be too much, so it worked out very well and I'm quite comfortable with it. This should be good, and we both were able to go to sleep in a loving way, no hard feelings. So thanks for everyone's support here.

 

[CosmicAstroGirl]

The way I see it... If he goes over the line and smokes more than the agreed upon amount, learn "guy talk". As the spouse of a man who used to drink too much beer... I've learned to speak his language. It's Money. For every case of beer he bought, I spent the same amount on myself. Hey it works because 1. there's less for beer and 2. He's taking away from the marital budget for his own selfishness. Why shouldn't I get mine?!
Pot is expensive. Hit him in the pocket book. I bet it'll work.

 

[anonymous]

Everyone needs a vice in life. We all have one of some kind, and many of us have several or tons. If he is a great guy and you really dig him, if the only thing he does that you don't like is smoke weed once or twice or three times a week, and it won't lead to something bad like him losing his job over it, is it really worth losing him over? I'm sure you have several if not many things about yourself that probably annoy him, and probably a few that really annoy him, but I take it he deals? I'm also assuming you have CF? if so, he obviously deals with a lot from your end and he is still there. So to me, unless he is smoking so much that he literally is dysfunctional as in can't/won't work, won't do anything, no social life, and all that negative crap, just let him have his one vice. Sit back and think about everything that makes your mate what he is. Think about the good and the bad. More than likely the good far outweighs the bad (minus the smoking issue). Now ask yourself, is him smoking pot worth losing all that over? I'd say no.

 

[anonymous]

You know what? There are some pretty good points you have there. Unfortunately they were all overshadowed by your completely idiotic comment.

"I'm also assuming you have CF? if so, he obviously deals with a lot from your end and he is still there. "

Ummm... Hello? Are you justifying the use if illegal drugs by blaming it on her having CF? You're darn rights there's a lot to deal with but I would bet my last dollar he went in to this marriage knowing about CF. She has no control over that. He made a choice and he still makes a choice. What a stupid thing to say. Like she should be greatful for having him take pity on her that she becomes a doormat... That's probably not what you meant but Dude, that's exactly how it came out.

Listen... pot isn't the end of the world but any more than once in a blue moon and it affects the whole family. Vice or no vice. If it's unacceptable (within reason) to one member, then it shouldn't be. WITH OR WITHOUT CF.

 

[anonymous]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>anonymous</b></i>

You know what? There are some pretty good points you have there. Unfortunately they were all overshadowed by your completely idiotic comment.



"I'm also assuming you have CF? if so, he obviously deals with a lot from your end and he is still there. "



Ummm... Hello? Are you justifying the use if illegal drugs by blaming it on her having CF? You're darn rights there's a lot to deal with but I would bet my last dollar he went in to this marriage knowing about CF. She has no control over that. He made a choice and he still makes a choice. What a stupid thing to say. Like she should be greatful for having him take pity on her that she becomes a doormat... That's probably not what you meant but Dude, that's exactly how it came out.



Listen... pot isn't the end of the world but any more than once in a blue moon and it affects the whole family. Vice or no vice. If it's unacceptable (within reason) to one member, then it shouldn't be. WITH OR WITHOUT CF.</end quote></div>


Wow, put words in others mouths much?

 

[Tess]

spouse smoking pot is something that I can relate too ....

When my bf and I met.. I was in my rebellious stage.... so I myself had been smoking and pretty well everything.. since I have quit everything ..

My bf still smokes cigarettes and pot .... cigarettes he smokes out side as with the pot most times... though i don't find pot somke bothers my lung like cigarette smoke ......

The biggest thing that bothers me about his pot & cigarette use is the cost.. maybe because he's always smoked it I don't notice mood changes as much ..... except for when he doesn't have any......

When I ask him about how much he's spending on it or how much he smokes in a day.. he too gets defensive ... It's pretty well you decision if it's something that you personally don't want to be around then let him know it ... if like myself you can handle him smoking pot on a daily basis then make it work... so long as he's still respecting you then anything can work .......