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CF Progresion

Faust

New member
no, not all threads are like this one. Sorry you had a bad experience this first exposure. I personally don't care, and i will only respond for the most part when it comes to silly trifle drama when i see a good deal of us commenting on something, and relate with them in some way.


Your child has a "terminal" disease. That does NOT mean that they are immediately doomed. If your child has the less aggressive mutations, you make their CF treatment the most important part of your life, and when they are old enough to be aware, they make it the most important part of their life, there is a very strong chance your child could live to be quite old in comparison to what you are probably thinking.

I am 35 years old, and have 99% lung function (last checkup). I (like all of us) have been seriously sick a few times, but I learned that I need to be my own strongest advocate, and not 100% listen to what the doctors say and just take any colorful pill or injection they want to give me. I learned to think for myself. I learned to do my own research into anything health related. I learned that there is TONS of total BS out there from all sides.

I was breast fed till I was 3 1/2 years old due to being diagnosed in the early 70's, and nothing else besides mothers breast milk helped to get rid of my problems at the time. I have had an amazingly strong familiar (especially mother) support structure for my disease.

I know that unless I get hit by a car or die of a "normal" disease like cancer and the like, I will eventually die of CF. Sorry to say it, but the same applies for your child. Your child could die at 13, or your child could die at 60 (or older). It all depends on a LARGE aspect of variables, most of which I have mentioned.

I think we got on your a*s because, regardless what the reasoning was, you presented yourself in a manner that several of us didn't like, or find fitting. But I don't think any of us at any time were every purposely attacking you. You are new to having a child with CF (and possibly new to having a child period), so we should give you slack in that regard. But we are all very jaded (those with CF, and those with close ties with those that have CF), so when some of us get the slightest sniff of WTF, we pounce to rectify it.


I'm no hero by any means. Quite a few people on here hate me for the things I have said. Fine with me, we all need villains. But don't take scorn in one thread, perceived one way or another, as us being mean evil doers or you being wrong or whatever. While this forum is MUCH nicers than tons of other forums out there, one of the things we almost universally don't do is sugar coat something to do with CF. Just realize that, and you will be fine.
 

Allie

New member
Honestly, I don't think it would have gotten out of hand if Luke wouldn't have commented on my statement about teh reality of the situation. And no, all threads don't get like this, we jsut all seem to have our dander up right now.

If you're genuinely interested, I will share Ry's story with you. But you may not be, because it has that dreaded ending no one wants to to ehar. But here goes anyway.

Ry was diagnosed at 2 months of age, due to failure to thrive, even with what little they had to offer then, he managed to stay away from major illness until he was around 4, when he had his first hospitalization for any length of time. He stayed fairly healthy all throught elementary school, running around and playing like most other little boys. When he reached high school, he had a lot of gastro problems that led to a few surgeries, and infections that led to him having a port inserted.

He went off to college, got a degree in techonology, and still managed to stay on top his Cf care. After college, he moved to pursue a job, and him and I began to date. I learned to help with his Cf care, as his health was what I would consider moderate around this time. He still lived an active lifestyle, and we were married in 1998. His PFts were arounf 75% at this time, and we were both in our mid twenties. His health took more a decline as he got older, but he dealt with it well, still keeping up with work. OUr daughter was born in december of 2000, and his health was doing really well around this time, he was really stable. Around the age of 29, he was found with Cepacia, and his health took a sharp turn downward due to it. He died about 2 and a half years later at home of CF.

So that's the story, I'm sure none of the parents want to hear it because it ends in death, but heck, I tried.
 

anonymous

New member
Thank you both for sharing your stories with me.

I did not post the original topic, but was interested in knowing what CF "might" hold for my baby through your responses. Already from your 2 stories I can see that CF is different for everyone.

Sean, you are the same age as me and are doing well, mainy I think you are saying from doing your own research and not always listening to the doctors, so thank you for that advice. Also you say you were breast fed until 3 1/2 and did well. I am breastfeeding at the moment and hope to continue as long as possible if it will benefit my baby in any way. I think you are saying that it does.

Allie thank you for sharing your story which must have been painful for you. You are right, it is difficult to hear that your husband with CF died in his 30s, but we have already been given that hard pill to swallow in hospital when we received the diagnosis. Average lifespan 31 years. Absolutely heartbreaking, and for you to have experienced it first hand must be heartbreaking for you too. What I do get from your story though is that your husband was loved, had a great life and even had a child! Some people live a full lifetime and never achieve that.

I am in the stage of trying to accept that my baby has CF at the moment. Sean says that some people manage to live to 60 plus years (I guess so as the average would not be 31 but I didn't think of that!!). I live in hope that my baby will be one of those. No way of telling for sure, but if I think bad thoughts all day then I will go mad and I'm not helping her at all then am I?

Thank you both once again, I hope to be able to chat to you both in the future for more information if that is okay.
 

LisaV

New member
I won't share the details of my late husband's story with you because he was never officially diagnosed with CF though he lived with bronchiectasis from birth almost and died from it at 59.

CF does run in his family, so I offer this. One family, two daughters 2 years apart. Both diagnosed at birth with same mutations. Both see same docs at world-renowned CF center. Both sent to the same schools and raised the same way. Shared a bedroom from birth - so definately exposed to same bugs, etc. Both started "new" treatments at the same time. Wonderful parents, unbelievably supportive extended family. Both in college now. Older sister has had many exacerbations, many IVs, many hospitalizations. Her lung function is now low enough that she is being evaluated for lung transplant and finds it almost impossible to keep on weight (looks anorexic getting jpeg in a week). Younger sister's lung function good enough that she can pretty much do whatever she wants to so plump and active enough to be able to pass as well without any trouble. (Absolutely no reason to think the younger one will be as sick as the older one in 2 years.)

Why the difference?, you ask. (Heck, we all ask.)
No one knows.
Fate. Some genetic thing no one has zeroed in on yet?
Roll of the dice thing......

Frankly, and this could just be me, I find that as the widow of someone who lived with a terminal illness (and someone who married a man knowing that he had it), that I have a lot of problems talking with parents about CF and other diseases that shorten life span. It seems to me that then when a child is first diagnosed that many parents' first reaction is"oh no. I can't deal with this. Too painful to me that my child will die early - that will child will die before me - that I will have to see my child die." Please let me have the normal experience of dying before my child - to have my child die first would be too awful. (Please understand that I use these quotes not as real quotes around something has actually said outloud to me, but to shorthand what I hear.) Anyway, what I hear is most of the pain being about the shortened lifespan and how much pain an early death might cause the parent. (It can sound to me like a parent is saying "it's all about me, the parent. Not that its all about the child. I find myself thinking "well, let me tell you, if your kid could talk now- and for sure when they can - they'll tell you they're not to pleased either...") And parents can kind of get into the I'll do anything, protect them anyway, just make sure they don't die - and seem to loose track of the quality of life of the CFer.

For me, coming in later in the game, I found myself immediately focused on the quality of my husband's life - not the length- as he focused on quality. And as we got older and he became more disabled and the likehood of my dying increased (just because of being older) my wish was to outlive him. I found myself thinking "Please just let me stay strong and healthy enough to be there for him until the end. To be able to ensure he has a good quality of life. To advocate for him when he is too weak to do so. To be able to be resilient enough to stay fun as long as he can enjoy that. Please let him die before me so that I can ensure he has as good a death as he had life."

It was sort of a "give me guts" prayer and if meant standing in front of a mirror saying the progression mantra outloud (mild>moderate>severe>end stage>death) to desensitize myself so that I could "deal with laughter" then I would do that. And morbid jokes were big around our house. ("Oh, that weekend is a 3-day weekend." A 3-day weekend?" Well, I guess we better not figure on going anywhere that weekend - no doubt I'll have an exacerbation that weekend - since it's 3 days and non of my docs will be in town." "Heck, screw it, given that, we might as well just leave town.")

I will be forever greatful that I was able to help give my husband a good death - though not the ending we had exactly hoped for (no time for me to take FMLA and to do hospice at home). I will never forget his smile and the looks of love we shared during the last day. Nor will I forget the loving support of his eldest son (He died leaving 3 grownup kids and 4 grandchildren....)

Anyway, I ramble.

My suggestion would be to go for longiveity, sure. But make that the automatic stuff. Focus on quality and gusto for life. Empathy and compassion yes. But no pity -- not for you or your kid. (The Adults will help with that. They are not big on pity.) And EMPOWER EMPOWER EMPOWER your kid. Your trying to raise a powerful, resilent kid - who will be a powerful resilent, independent grownup who can manage their own illness while at the same time be an equal spousal partner and a loving reliable parent (assuming, of course, that they want to marry and have kids), and a compassionate, generous friend.

And a sense of humor is essential. Inclluding (or maybe even especially) sarcasm and healthy cynicism.

Also, if it is any comfort, my husband outlived his parents - just as I have. He moved back in with them while his father was dying and helped take care of him. His mother's dying was quicker, but he sat with her (we both did) during the last terrible week of her death from aplastic anemia. He was a real comfort and support to my folks (and me) during their last years .

By the way, the mean age of 36 (or whatever it is today) and the "I know someone who lived to 60" are not in conflict. The other side of that math equation is that there are still some very young children who die of CF to balance out the ones who live to 60. (This is not something parents want to hear I know, so may be why you were confused for a moment.)

P.S. And this may be a real nit - and not anything that the second parent questioning did, But the business of quoting an entire message and making a negative comment about it at the end? Just makes me crazy!
 

anonymous

New member
To the Anon mom of the newly diagnosed Cfer, I think you have unfortunately come to the wrong place for help! This used to be a great adult forum with people who would answer your questions honestly and openly, and not "sugar coat " it for you! By the way, no parent wants things to be sugar coated, we want to know the truth and want to know what to expect, but there is no reason for everyone to be so rude! I have done back and read all the replies on this thread and Charlotte really never started anything, Luke through people were being rude to her and tried to defend her, but she never complained about any of the response and then Sean Davis started in with his normal sarcasim and took over the thread like I have seen him do time and time again!

Still no one has taken the time to seriously answer the question!!!! Does everyone have so much anger that it is just easier to bash CHarlotte than to answer her questions? Keep trying to banish her to the families board because you don't have time to answer her question, but instead have time to continually post mean things to her! I guess I just don't understand!

For parents with infants and toddlers, there is a WONDERFUL group of supportive people who have a lot of knowledge about raising infants and toddlers with CF on Yahoo Groups, just go to www.yahoogroups.com and search for CF Infants and Toddlers.

Becky, not signed in.
 

Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
As a parent of a toddler with cf, I think it's important for me to participate in sites like this. It's amazing the lack of information out there for new parents -- sometimes misinformation when you're dealing with a doctor or clinic that isn't familiar with CF. When our son was diagnosed, we were very fortunate to be at an accreditted CF clinic, have a very proactive CF team -- we were told that there's no such thing as "mild" cf, we were told how important it is to keep keep the lungs healthy. We were told about cross contamination issues.

Imagine our shock the first time we went to the local cf clinic -- teeny tiny waiting room, focus of the clinic was more reactive that proactive. They were shocked we were already doing cpt on our 4 month old, in fact suggested that we stop using several medications that were prescribed for him -- Tobi was one -- the pulmonologist told us "tobi is very very bad". They had his medical information -- he'd already cultured some bugs in the NICU. This clinic also stressed nutrition -- that it was far more important than proper lung care. Now IMO, nutrition is an important aspect of CF care, however, can't you regain lost WEIGHT -- don't think you can regain lost lung tissue.

When I asked/expressed concern about the close quarters -- long wait in the community waiting room -- they told me not to worry about it -- they felt it was more important to have socialization because a number of these families were from way out of town -- besides, we were going to send our child to daycare, so "don't worry about". And they've never had a case of cepacia at their clinic and if they did, that patient would no longer be able to attend cf clinic. But what about the other bugs.

I do think someone who is a poster, may be posting as anon, just to stir the pot. Just my opinion. Liza
 

LisaV

New member
Boy, I've read through this thread a million times now (way too many times).
Even tho' there was lots of contention, I really really do think that people tried to answer the original question to the best of their ability. (I know I have several times.)

If you think it still hasn't been answered, then I'm wondering if maybe the question was meant to be more narrowly focused to early times, like "what is the progression like during the first 5 years of life" or something like that. Then, yes, the Adult forum is the wrong place to ask this in the sense that no one really remembers their first 5 years of life and we only have our parents' stories to share - not our own. (My husband used say "you'll have to ask my mom that one.")

Either that or we're not giving the answers that you want to hear....
Or the original question wasn't really asking about the facts about progression, but just asking for reassurance...

and, yes, sometimes I have wondered if all the anon "parents" in this thread are the same person or not....
 

Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
When our child was first diagnosed, I had questions in terms of what to expect. I still wonder, worry at times. Will he have to miss a lot of school, will he have to be hospitalized. Are his fingers just big like on his dad's side of the family or are they starting to club? Does his poop look okay? Is that what poop is supposed to look like? We were told we'd KNOW if the poop looked funny to give him more or less enzymes. I still am not quite sure at times.

When he was first diagnosed, the rts at the CF clinic told us about Psuedomonas and Tobi -- but that's something that we'll deal with when he's quite a bit older. At 3 months, we got culture results back indicating nonmucoid pseudo and the tobi began.


A number of parents of older children/young adults in the area told me that for them -- the first year was awful and once their child got past that, things looked up and they were relatively healthy with the exception of sinus problems... But these were all parents of children who weren't diagnosed right away -- they had frequent infections, failure to thrive... Max was diagnosed pretty much at birth because of a bowel obstruction -- the first 6 weeks were horrible, I didn't want to deal with more hospitalizations... Okay, so I'm looking for someone with Double Delta f508, has had a bowel obstruction has cultured pseudo.


Okay, some people are doing great, some not so good. Lots of variables! I'm one of those people who likes clear concise answers -- I like to think I'm very organized. I want to know what to expect, so I can plan ahead -- whether this is going on a vacation or planning a dinner party. I want to know exactly how many enzymes to give ds, not this "you'll know by looking at his poop" crap. CF is a complicated disease and it drives me absolutely nuts.
 

LisaV

New member
Yes, CF is very complicated and sneaky, conniving, unpredictable, variable, etc. etc.

For people who want to know exactly what's going to happen - even to the point of being able to plan for the worst while hoping for the best. People like me (and maybe you from what you say), it can be crazy making.

So, believe, me, if I could tell you exactly what the progression would look like for your kid, I would. If I could tell you how your kid will feel on Thanksgiving Day so you could decide what plans to make for that day, I would. (If my husband could have known that for any given Thanksgiving we wouldn't always have had at least 3 plans - a "go out" pland and a "stay in" plan and a "in hospital" plan.

But I can't do that (see first sentence). You can't do that.

That's where the resilience thing and the flexibility thing come in big time.
And that's why you need to educate yourself about almost every possibility while at the same time hoping you never need to use the information you learn.
That's what littledebbie meant about learning everything and then "archiving" it in the back of your mind rather than looking at it every day and making yourself scared crazy with all of the possibilities.

And ask lots of questions. If they say something like "you'll know by looking at the poop" then ask" what do you mean by that? what exactly am I looking for? white poop" greazy poop" running poop" hard poop" lots of poop" not much poop?"

THEY'd know by looking at the poop because they know what they're looking for.
Ask them to explain that.
And if they just mean "they'll be a change in the poop" that's really the best they can do. You are the only one who sees your kids poop enough to be noticing changes.

Really, I do remember what it's like to have a first baby - even a sick one tho' mine was "just" way premature. (Docs say "you'll know by the poop" to all new mothers about all kinds of things. ANd if I didn't I have been reminded recently by having new grandchildren (all with different kinds of poop I might add.)

Anyway, I don't know what your kids progression will be like. I only know that it probably will be different than any other kid's progression.

To hear about all the different possibilities for kids, then read all the threads in the Family section. To know all about the different possibilities of progression after adulthood then read all of the threads in the Adult section.
Then after you've read all of those.
Know that you don't know.
 

Faust

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>anonymous</b></i>

To the Anon mom of the newly diagnosed Cfer, I think you have unfortunately come to the wrong place for help! This used to be a great adult forum with people who would answer your questions honestly and openly, and not "sugar coat " it for you! By the way, no parent wants things to be sugar coated, we want to know the truth and want to know what to expect, but there is no reason for everyone to be so rude! I have done back and read all the replies on this thread and Charlotte really never started anything, Luke through people were being rude to her and tried to defend her, but she never complained about any of the response and then Sean Davis started in with his normal sarcasim and took over the thread like I have seen him do time and time again!



Still no one has taken the time to seriously answer the question!!!! Does everyone have so much anger that it is just easier to bash CHarlotte than to answer her questions? Keep trying to banish her to the families board because you don't have time to answer her question, but instead have time to continually post mean things to her! I guess I just don't understand!



For parents with infants and toddlers, there is a WONDERFUL group of supportive people who have a lot of knowledge about raising infants and toddlers with CF on Yahoo Groups, just go to www.yahoogroups.com and search for CF Infants and Toddlers.



Becky, not signed in.</end quote></div>



Out of curiosity (silly me pandering to a dumb statement yet again), how is it possible for *me* to "take over a thread" when i'm one of the last people to say anything in it, and there were many people before me having a verbal food fight with drama pudding in it?

Do I have a keyboard that gives me power like He-man's sword?
 

julie

New member
Charolette,

CF progression differs for everyone, although there are some who are in their 40's and 50's still living a life as if they didn't have CF, some by neglect but some because their bodies are affording them the opportunity to do so. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell how your little one will progress. When my husband was younger, he was sick a lot, and the docs. didn't expect him to live very long (although back then that was the standard verbage given to all parents of CFers). It wasn't until his mid teens that his CF acutally started to "clear up" (if you will). He's still really healthy, but has become dilligent about doing his medications and treatments to keep himself in good shape. He recently started having lung infections again (he didn't really have any from when he was about 13-23) but it's controlled and treated very well by at home nebulized antibiotics. He has yet to be in the hospital or on IV's. So, you can see the predictions made when he was younger were grossly inaccurate about the outcome of his life.

He will be a college graduate this weekend and will be a father in the fall. I get an underlying feeling that you are also curious about how "normal" life can be for your CFer. I have to agree with what 1 or 2 others said about do your best to let them just be normal. Do the CF treatments and medications but don't limit the activities and play dates otherwise. I believe you mentioned that you are already doing that, so good job to you!! I can only imagine how tough it can be when all you want to do is protect your child so they stay healthy longer, but you are doing the right thing and protecting them by just letting them be a kid.

I think I understand what you wanted out of your question, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Although I am one who thinks along the lines of, "we are all going to die someday" so why dwell on the how's and why's of it, at least not until the time comes-it was definately not within the context of your question. I'm sorry that you had the experience you did on this site. It never use to be like this. I don't think you should have to go to a certain board (adults, families) to post a question and get an honest but not brutal answer. Additionally, people use to pay attention to WHO made what comments. It looks like you got attacked in all of this, and you weren't even the one saying, "can we go easy on the dying comments, that's not what was asked". Although I do have to highly back Luke in his reminding people what the purpose of your question was, and that you might still be a little sensitive. Anyone who isn't sensitive about the topic of CF at some point and time, and some days (cause we all have our hard ones) just isn't human to me. Luke has class and tact, something a lot of people don't utilize anymore (have to admit I've been guilty on occasion) at the expense of others.

I really hope that this fiasco doesn't discourage you from posting wherever you feel is appropriate. And quite honestly, that's wherever you feel it is. You are a member of this forum just as everyone else is. Besides, the family section isn't visited very frequently and a lot of the posts started there get referred to the adult section anyways. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!! I feel the need to reassure you that you shouldn't get discouraged about this, but I have the feeling you haven't and I hope that you continue to post your questions as needed. There are those of us who genuinely care about you, your questions and how you are dealing with the newness and realities of CF.

A warm welcome to the site and I hope to see you around.
 

Emily65Roses

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>By the way, no parent wants things to be sugar coated</end quote></div>

Don't be so fast to assume. I've talked to more than one parent of a CFer who very clearly wants just that. Maybe you don't, and good for you, because it's not the way to go. But there are, whether or not you think so, people who do prefer to live that way. And that's generally, what I (among others who have said so) don't want here.
 

Faust

New member
Just thought i'd pop in and inform everyone that the real fun is going on in the new Julie thread. I got several pairs of spongebob arm floaties and a large pitcher of ice cold lemonade. This party is roaring!
 

Debi

New member
Charlotte,
I just read through this thread, and I would like to join Julie in apologizing for the experience you have had. I agree that it is important to be honest about the challenges that a person with CF must face, but I would like to see people express that honesty with some sense of kindness, sensitivity and manners.

As you have clearly seen by now, the progression is different for everyone. I am one of the "old" CFers at 54. I have had a long and difficult time, particularly in the past 10 years. But I still lead a wonderful, productive life. I have been married for 30 years and have two children. I work full time. I am on oxygen 24/7. I have been averaging hospital stays about twice a year for the past 10 years. I don't have an easy life, but I have an awesome life. Although I was not officially diagnosed with CF until the genetic blood test became available about 10 years ago (sweat tests were false negatives), my whole life my family and doctors treated me as if I had CF. I had a ridiculously active childhood, and remained physically active (tennis, backpacking, bicyling) into my 40's. You and your child can have a wonderful future together. And, there will be some difficult times. I hope those are infrequent, and many years down the road for you. It's okay to be scared (I am). It's okay to be sad (I am). It's okay to be angry (I am). I hope you will not give up on this forum. It is a great place to learn, and I can guarantee you that in raising your daughter, knowledge will truly be power. Best wishes to you and your family.

Debi
54 w/cf
 

anonymous

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>julie</b></i>

Charolette,



CF progression differs for everyone, although there are some who are in their 40's and 50's still living a life as if they didn't have CF, some by neglect but some because their bodies are affording them the opportunity to do so. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell how your little one will progress. When my husband was younger, he was sick a lot, and the docs. didn't expect him to live very long (although back then that was the standard verbage given to all parents of CFers). It wasn't until his mid teens that his CF acutally started to "clear up" (if you will). He's still really healthy, but has become dilligent about doing his medications and treatments to keep himself in good shape. He recently started having lung infections again (he didn't really have any from when he was about 13-23) but it's controlled and treated very well by at home nebulized antibiotics. He has yet to be in the hospital or on IV's. So, you can see the predictions made when he was younger were grossly inaccurate about the outcome of his life.



He will be a college graduate this weekend and will be a father in the fall. I get an underlying feeling that you are also curious about how "normal" life can be for your CFer. I have to agree with what 1 or 2 others said about do your best to let them just be normal. Do the CF treatments and medications but don't limit the activities and play dates otherwise. I believe you mentioned that you are already doing that, so good job to you!! I can only imagine how tough it can be when all you want to do is protect your child so they stay healthy longer, but you are doing the right thing and protecting them by just letting them be a kid.



I think I understand what you wanted out of your question, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Although I am one who thinks along the lines of, "we are all going to die someday" so why dwell on the how's and why's of it, at least not until the time comes-it was definately not within the context of your question. I'm sorry that you had the experience you did on this site. It never use to be like this. I don't think you should have to go to a certain board (adults, families) to post a question and get an honest but not brutal answer. Additionally, people use to pay attention to WHO made what comments. It looks like you got attacked in all of this, and you weren't even the one saying, "can we go easy on the dying comments, that's not what was asked". Although I do have to highly back Luke in his reminding people what the purpose of your question was, and that you might still be a little sensitive. Anyone who isn't sensitive about the topic of CF at some point and time, and some days (cause we all have our hard ones) just isn't human to me. Luke has class and tact, something a lot of people don't utilize anymore (have to admit I've been guilty on occasion) at the expense of others.



I really hope that this fiasco doesn't discourage you from posting wherever you feel is appropriate. And quite honestly, that's wherever you feel it is. You are a member of this forum just as everyone else is. Besides, the family section isn't visited very frequently and a lot of the posts started there get referred to the adult section anyways. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!! I feel the need to reassure you that you shouldn't get discouraged about this, but I have the feeling you haven't and I hope that you continue to post your questions as needed. There are those of us who genuinely care about you, your questions and how you are dealing with the newness and realities of CF.



A warm welcome to the site and I hope to see you around.</end quote></div>

Cheers, just wish the world was full of more people like you.

Charlotte<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

anonymous

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Debi</b></i>

Charlotte,

I just read through this thread, and I would like to join Julie in apologizing for the experience you have had. I agree that it is important to be honest about the challenges that a person with CF must face, but I would like to see people express that honesty with some sense of kindness, sensitivity and manners.



As you have clearly seen by now, the progression is different for everyone. I am one of the "old" CFers at 54. I have had a long and difficult time, particularly in the past 10 years. But I still lead a wonderful, productive life. I have been married for 30 years and have two children. I work full time. I am on oxygen 24/7. I have been averaging hospital stays about twice a year for the past 10 years. I don't have an easy life, but I have an awesome life. Although I was not officially diagnosed with CF until the genetic blood test became available about 10 years ago (sweat tests were false negatives), my whole life my family and doctors treated me as if I had CF. I had a ridiculously active childhood, and remained physically active (tennis, backpacking, bicyling) into my 40's. You and your child can have a wonderful future together. And, there will be some difficult times. I hope those are infrequent, and many years down the road for you. It's okay to be scared (I am). It's okay to be sad (I am). It's okay to be angry (I am). I hope you will not give up on this forum. It is a great place to learn, and I can guarantee you that in raising your daughter, knowledge will truly be power. Best wishes to you and your family.



Debi

54 w/cf</end quote></div>

Thanks Debi

Charlotte<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 

Augustmom0003

New member
I think that the problem is that we parents have no idea what it's like to have CF and those with CF have no idea what it's like to be the parent. These are two different issues in themselves.

Why is it that the only options are being blunt or sugar coating? I do understand that people with CF want to talk about the realities...parents do too. But there is such a thing as being tactful.

Her world has just come crashing down around her. Maybe to understand where she's coming from you should put yourself in her shoes? Maybe if you were in her shoes when the doctor told her that this most precious thing, the thing that means more to her than anything in the entire world has a life threatening disease. It feels like your worst nightmare come true. I nightmare she will not wake up from. It physically feels like someone has punched you in the gut, repeatedly...over and over again. She must look into that baby's eyes everyday, with guilt, and wonder what tomorrow will bring. She's clueless. She so desperately wants to do what's best for her child, but questions every SINGLE decision she makes because she gets different answers to the same question over and over again. It's so, so hard. She will worry about EVERYTHING from now on. EVERYTHING. A day won't go by when she doesn't worry about her baby (babies). Every sniffle. Every ache. Is it CF related? Should she call the doctor? She doesn't know. She has to go by what her heart says...and yes...she will go to the internet to talk to the people who are living through or have lived through it. To know she's not alone in this scary, new world of CF. To get reassurance that she is, in fact, doing what's right.

I won't pretend to know what if feels like to have CF. For the most part, I just imagine God miraculously taking it away from my son and giving it to me. It's not going to happen. But, at least I TRY to imagine what it would be like. I TRY to be sensitive. I just don't think it's too much to ask. My point...parents don't need it sugar coated and we're not afraid of the truth. We've dealt with it since the day CF entered our lives. I ordered the sweat test after being told I was paranoid. I don't need ANYONE telling me I don't want to hear the truth or I'm afraid of it. Just a LITTLE bit of sensitivity to eachother's situation would be nice.

Amanda
Mommy to Kenzie (5, wocf) and Ethan (2, wcf), the two most perfect, precious things in the world
 

Emily65Roses

New member
I always try to see it from parent's/spouse's POV. I still don't see what Allie said as blunt and tactless. That's my problem. I don't know why truth and "blunt" automatically goes with RUDE RUDE RUDE. Truth and rude go together <b>just</b> as easily as they go separately.

Again, I will say: She could've come out yelling YOUR KID'S GOING TO DIE AHAHAHAHAHAHAA. Did she? No. Because THAT would be tactless and rude. She said what she needed to say in the most gentle way possible. If you can't handle a gentle phrase like "the end result is the same" then you really need to think on that for a while. Maybe grow a thicker skin. Because there are a lot worse things that could be said. I guarantee Allie said what she said in the way she said because she thought she was being gentle about it.
 

anonymous

New member
Amanda,
I think everyone was trying to be tactful (except for Luke - Luke was judging and name calling). Charlotte was actually handling things quite well.

I do think that if you want to be reassured that you are doing things right, you would be more likely to get that reassurance by asking for it as in "Am I doing the right things?". To ask about progrssion, is to really probably to ask for more information that you really want if you are looking for reassurance.

Since folks did sort of hold back at first on describing progression that they are experiences 18, 28, 38, 48 years down the road from where Charlotte's kid is, I'd say that they were being darned tactful. After the second poster asked for stories, then real true adult storeis started appearing.

And your point about CFers and CF parents not every truly being able to understand each other is well taken. Spouses and CFers never truly completely understand each other either. That doesn't mean we don't try. And that doesn't mean that the responders weren't trying.

You might try to realize that the degree of tactfullness needed not to upset a new parent can feel like even than sugar coating to a CFer. It can feel like lying/denial.
So tactful they were - to the best of their ability.
I'm sorry it wasn't good enough for you.

Perhaps since we can never fully get the others' position, that is a good reason when you're new and raw to start your posts in the Families section as more than one replier suggested. It is not to isolate you but to protect you that was suggested. The other parents are much more apt to get the parent point of view (as you suggest).

I am so so sorry if you or anyone has been hurt by all of this.
I think this darn disease hurts too many as it is.
We are here to offer support - and to share experience, strength, and hope.
I'm sure if you stick around you will find some people whose way of communicating gives the most support to you - and learn to sort of tune out others who are trying to support, but just don't have the tone you need at the time.
But don't dismiss that even those who have this tone you don't like are actually trying to support you to the best of their ability.
 
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